7 Reasons why you should be dating a Beta male, not Alpha Man. 

I don’t know about you, but so many of the women I have known in my life all have one thing in common.  They go for the bad boys, or at least they did do until they got the secret I discovered the hard way.

I was hooked on a bad boy when I was young.  I would never have dreamed of dating a Beta male.  My attraction to him was instantaneous and intense.

The connection I felt to him was such like I hadn’t felt before. He consumed me. I felt safe.

He was going to deliver this wonderful happy-ever-after he promised.  After all, he told me I was the only one for him, unlike any girl who’d come before.

It was a whirlwind romance.  But it descended into a terrifying, exciting rollercoaster.  There were tumultuous fireworks, followed by chasms of hurt and pain.  Round and round in a crazy cycle.

It scraped bottom with me almost losing my life, as he squeezed my throat and told me to die.

I stayed with him for some time, even after that.  The effect he had on me I can’t describe.  It was a like a magnet that pulled me back and I was powerless to stop its force.

I’d leave and stay strong, for a time. But then the pain of leaving him was so great, I craved that high he could give me once again.

‘I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again.  I need you more than ever to help me change’ was all it took.  I just wanted him to sweep me into his arms again and everything would be okay.  But of course, it wasn’t.

I did find the courage to leave, but only after marrying him and having his baby.  I thought that each of these acts would finally prove I was worthy of him and make the relationship work.   I was wrong.

I learned the hard way that two people who are as insecure as each other will never fulfill each other’s needs.  The relationship was doomed from the start.

You could describe me, I guess, as an Alpha female.  The mirror to him in a way.  But all that confidence and cockiness I had when I was young, belied the truth that I never felt good enough. Deep down he was the same as me. Our baggage matched.

But I could hide my insecurities behind this role I played.  Rescuer. I could be the one to bring out the ‘real him’, patch up his hurt inside. It hid the fact it was me I needed to fix.

It took me years to understand I confused those fireworks with love.

That matching baggage feels familiar and comfortable.  It felt right, like we just fit.  But that didn’t mean it was a healthy match.

It took many more to see myself for who I was, a frightened child inside the body of an adult.  It hurt to see her.  But I finally knew what I had to do to heal.

Focus on her, learn to love myself and accept that I am good enough.  I deserve better.

Then I met my Beta boy.  Started dating a Beta male.  I did it right this time, when I married him. It turns out he’s the most Alpha man I know.

I wish I’d known this secret about men when I was young, so now I want to spread the word.

Beta Boys are the Real Alpha Men Click To Tweet

Falling in love with a Beta male is the way to go!  This is why:

1. Beta boys are emotionally available.

Okay, before I get a barrage of arguments to the contrary, I’m not saying all Alpha men are bad boys. But the ones who are, are all bluff and no substance.

They’re great at faking an intense connection to hook you in. They say everything you want to hear and can sweep a girl off her feet.

But when it comes down to it, they talk the talk, but do they walk the walk? 

They promise you the world, but do they deliver on that? No. Even so, so many of us keep hoping and waiting for it to come.

You may not get the massive fireworks at the start with a Beta boy. You might even dismiss them, at first, as boring.

But it’s deceptive. It’s a slower build. Mine kept simply showing up and being there for me. There was time spent getting to know each other. It scared me.

I was used to intensity, followed by an argument that came out of nowhere, only for Bad Boy to disappear. Feeling hurt, I’d be wondering what I had done, waiting and hoping for the rush of when he loved me again.

I tried to push Beta Boy away. Revealing the real me to him scared me. What if I repulsed him and ran away? It tapped into my greatest fear.

I feared abandonment, so I guess was trying to end it, before he ditched me. Then one day he said to me: ‘You know I’m not going anywhere don’t you?’

Two words sum up Beta Males: Emotionally available. Click To Tweet

They are there for you.  Fireworks, with dramatic break ups and intense reunions are not love. They’re just a smoke screen. To avoid intimacy and true trust. The necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship.

2. You can be vulnerable with them and trust them.

Without trust you can never reveal your true self to another person. If I showed vulnerability to my ex, he’d use it later to shame me.

But if we can’t reveal vulnerability. If we can’t show who we really are. Then we cannot forge the deeper connection needed for a long-term relationship. 

That’s the definition of a healthy relationship to me now.

My beta husband knows me better than anyone else. He knows my flaws, all my weaknesses and fears. He has allowed me to be vulnerable, but has never used it as a weapon against me.

The more we’ve revealed about ourselves, the deeper the connection we forged.

Beta boys are not afraid of emotion, nor of their own emotional side.

3. They don’t feel threatened.

Beta boys are secure in themselves. They don’t feel threatened and have no need for jealousy. 

You don’t have to ask permission to spend time alone with your closest friends. Male or female.

Bad boys are the opposite. They isolate you. They want to control you. If another man even looks at you, you’re already having an affair.

Forget about ever mentioning male friends or colleagues. They even get jealous of your girlfriends! Girls’ nights out will not be worth it, for the interrogation you’ll get the next day.

The Beta Male personality

4. Quiet confidence is so much sexier than arrogance hiding insecurity.

Don’t be fooled into thinking Beta boys are boring. Yes, at first they might seem like the quiet puppy in the corner at the pound. Not the lively one jumping up and down, licking your face, yapping ‘pick me, pick me!’

If I ever get a dog now, I know which one I’d go for. The one in the corner, hands down. Not the troublemaker.

If you can pardon the expression, Beta boys are ‘grow-ers, not show-ers’.

My husband’s confidence might be of the quieter kind. But it’s underpinned by a strength I’d never seen in man before.

Beta boys don’t need to blast it out with a megaphone, as they’re sure of themselves. But when you need them, you’ll see what I mean. They’ll be there.

They’re emotionally available, so they don’t run at the first sign you need to lean on them.

They can be strong for you when you need then to be. They will lift you up and support you.  Exactly when you need it the most, the time a bad boy would run a mile.

This is a man far sexier, trust me, than the one who always abandons you.

5. They’re nice to you, they respect you.

They have a high sense of self worth and they treat you as worthy. They don’t put you on a pedestal, only to knock it down.

They’ll tell you you’re beautiful, even when you have a shower cap on. They don’t need to fear you having a strong sense of self worth and leaving them.

They celebrate your successes, without feeling threatened.

They’re proud of your achievements and encourage you to do what you love most.

If another person compliments you, they’ll agree! Aren’t they the lucky ones to have you?

6. They don’t need to control.

Beta boys don’t need a power struggle. Or to be in control. 

One minute they can be strong for you, the next you can be for them. That’s okay. They don’t fear showing their weaker side.

If fact, if you try to control them, rescue them or change them, they’re more likely to walk away.

They allow you to be yourself. They love you unconditionally and expect to you to offer the same.

7. They make incredible fathers

If you want a great role model for a young boy, the Beta boys win by a mile.

My husband is step-father to my first born with my ex. We then went on to have a second son. He has taught both boys to grow into the kind of men I hoped they’d become.

But he did nothing other than being himself. That quiet confidence goes a long way.

Our boys have seen his strength, but learned it’s okay for a man to cry. They’ve seen him work hard to provide and support us. But celebrating my career as a working woman as well.

They’ve heard him speak to me with respect at all times. Even tell me I look beautiful, still after decades of marriage.

My boys do him proud now. They’re adults who reflect the best of him.

They treat all others as equal. They champion women’s rights and respect their partners.

They’re men who don’t run when the going gets tough, but are unafraid to show their vulnerable side.

They admit their mistakes, accept when they’re wrong. They learn from them.

One son is more Alpha than the other.

But, in a good way.

Dating a Beta Male

So, if you’re looking for love that lasts and doesn’t hurt, take it from me and give the bad boys a miss.

Get over the Alphas and their dramatic peacock displays and pyrotechnics. Grab yourself a Beta boy and give him a chance to show you what he’s got.

Whilst the Alpha gets lost in the fog of the fireworks and disappears, Beta will be the one to stick around. He’ll be the only man you’ll ever need.

I promise you, Beta is the new Alpha when it comes to men.

I’d love to hear what you think!  Let me know in the comments below.

First published in Thought Catalog

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Written by Vivian McGrath

Vivian McGrath is a TV Executive Producer who makes documentaries for major US, UK and Australian broadcasters.  She is also a survivor of domestic violence.  Her book ‘Unbeatable (How I Left a Violent Man)’ – her story of surviving abuse to finding success in love and life – will be published soon.  She hopes this blog will help others to become strong, fearless and successful too.  Find out more about Vivian Here.

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One thought on “7 Reasons why you should be dating a Beta male, not an Alpha man

  1. Vivian, this is so, so true!

    After being married twice to “alpha” males, I have been so fortunate to meet someone who’s wonderful, kind and supportive as you have described. I am going to share this article with him.

    I too tried to push him away as his kindness and vulnerability frightened me. I was so used to the crazy roller coaster relationship that I did not believe this could be real!
    I am so fortunate that I have this incredibly strong, loving and kind soul in my life. I

    I agree completely that beta is alpha and I hope that all women who have such a man truly appreciate him. I know I certainly do.

    Thank you for this and all of your posts and videos. All have been such a great support.

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