How to deal with narcissists and stand up to bullies.

If you missed my Live Webinar with my dear friend Scarlett Zola Vespa aka MrsV, here it is:

How to deal with narcissists and stand up to bullies

If you prefer to listen to it as an Audio version here’s the Podcast

How to deal with narcissists and stand up to bullies.  

(Transcript of Webinar)

Mrs V:Hello and welcome. I’m very excited tonight because I’ve got my dear friend Vivian McGrath.  We have actually known each other since we were teenagers.  Welcome, thank you.
Vivian: I’m really excited to be here.
Mrs V:  We go back such a long way and I just adore this special friend of mine.  I was so grateful that she could talk tonight and share her amazing experiences and knowledge now on what you’re doing around helping women and re domestic violence.
Basically, in standing up for your rights and understanding what’s going on.  It’s so fantastic.
Vivian: It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time but the timing was never right.  If I’d have come out and said I’m a domestic violence survivor no one cared before.
It was really motivating when Rosie Batty made it something that was very high-profile and people started to take it seriously.  When I heard her speak out after the horrific murder of her son by her Ex, I thought now’s the time.
It’s been amazing because a lot of my friends and closest colleagues didn’t even know my story and they’ve been so shocked.  I’m a very successful television producer and you know I come across as confident strong they go, you?
Mrs V:  I just want to interject.  The thing about Vivian is she’s always been that stoic rock for all of us.  She has had a beautiful kind of dependable temperament, just kind of so easygoing and you are so clever, my gosh!
We were all copying your assignments at school.  Vivian was so bright on that front.  You went off then to be a journalist and very successful in journalism and then got into TV, which was amazing.  Then to kind of go into this transgression around finding who you are, has been amazing to watch.
Vivian:  What people don’t realise is, I started off as a young, single mother because when I was seven months pregnant and 21, my ex almost killed me.  He strangled me and it was horrific.  I really thought I was going to die on that day and this was after years of abuse.
So, I left as a young single mother and it was it was quite terrifying to have to face life alone.  I just thought I have this child to live for and I have to turn my life around, because if I don’t the chances are I’ll go back to him, because the pull back to him was so intense. Or I’d go into another abusive relationship which happens very, very often.
So, I just wanted to break the cycle and and I did.  I’m really proud of that. That’s the one of the most proudest achievements of my life is that I did not pass that cycle of abuse down to my my son.
Mrs V: Just before we get on, so I don’t take up too much time.  We’ve been talking recently about the fact that when you were 19 or 20, I helped you pack up your stuff and to leave your partner then.
What I couldn’t believe is from going from that relationship into a loving, amazing relationship within two years. You changed completely, you threw yourself in so quickly for such intense personal development and you did it.  So, well done you and it was amazing to watch.  That’s why you’re here today to help.  (You have) the most incredibly gorgeous husband, it’s like being the biggest love story.
Vivian:  I know, emotionally available.  He’s there and he’s incredible.
Mrs V: Please now start, I know you have some questions or a series you’d like to go through.
Vivian:  I have a lot of people email me and say: am I in an abusive relationship? They don’t even know whether they are or not.  Emotional abuse can be very confusing and you know, one woman even today wrote to me and said:  ‘I wish he’d hit me, because it would be much clearer’.
The problem with emotional abuse is, narcissists are incredibly charismatic.  You remember how charismatic my ex was?
They could be your charming next-door neighbour, they could be your boss. He’s the life of the party when go out for a work drink.
They are very very charismatic people and they also use highly manipulative tactics to shift the blame of their behaviour, when they start to reveal this very dark nasty side on to you.  So, you honestly think that maybe it’s something you’ve done. You’ve caused it. It really is very manipulative.
So, I just wanted to go through some of the warning signs you are in an abusive relationship or that the person you’re in a relationship with has narcissistic tendencies.  The first one is the most deceitful tactic, I believe.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting.  That’s where, when you go to question some behavior that you know isn’t right and you think you know it’s abusive.  It isn’t extreme at first,  they just show you glimmers at first.   But, if you question that they’ll then say: ‘that didn’t happen.  You imagined it.  You’ve exaggerated it. I didn’t do that’. 
So, you start to think, oh maybe I did.  Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  It’s trying to say to you that what you’re saying and what they’re telling you – there’s a gulf between the two and they need you to believe that they’re right and in the end it’s you that’s caused it.  So, you start change your behaviour to try to not have that darker side come out again.

Mirroring

The next one is mirroring, where they project onto you their abuse.  So, for example they’ll say
you’re having an affair when they’re the one being unfaithful or you’re lying, when in fact they’re the one who’s lying.
It sounds it sounds ridiculous, but I mean look at look at what Trump’s doing at the moment.  It’s exactly what he’s doing: ‘I didn’t say that’.   You know, if you say it often enough people start to believe it.

Circular conversations

Or, they get you into these – I call them the crazy circular conversations from Hell – where if you
challenge them or bring up any abusive behaviour, they then throw this smoke screen and this smoke bomb up.   Where what started as quite a benign comment you make, suddenly morphs
into (them) questioning your friends, your family or your beliefs that you’ve grown up with.  Every single thing other than the fact that you’re talking about their behaviour.  So, you start
thinking: ‘how have I got from there to here?’
It’s like arguing with somebody who’s crazy and every time you challenge them, they’ll just send you down another tangent, then another tangent of completely irrelevant stuff.  All about you and why you’re to blame, why you even dare bring it up.

Blanket statements

Or, they’ll make blanket statements like my ex would.  He said I was: ‘spoilt’. I had a ‘silver spoon my mouth’.
Or, they’ll just say you’re ‘impossible to please’ or they’ll put words in your mouth where they’ll say things like: ‘oh, so you’re saying you’re so perfect now! You’re saying I’m the bad one’. 

Shifting the Goal Posts

The one I really hated was shifting the goal posts.  They set these rules one for you and one for
them and you have a completely different rule.  Like, they can flirt with whomever they want but if you dare look at someone else, well then, you’re in trouble.
It’s an unwritten rule and by the time you’ve worked out what is this rule they’re making me live live up to?  Then, they just move the goal posts and they just keep shifting them.
This is why you walk around feeling like you’re on eggshells, because you just don’t know when they’re suddenly going to explode.  Or there’s going to be a repercussion for you breaking some rule that you didn’t even know was there.
I remember always being on eggshells and just being terrified of that .
Mrs V: I think, as you said earlier, it’s much harder when they are not hitting you in a way because there’s not a physical thing.  But when it’s passive-aggressiveness, where it’s in the not said as well and women, we always see the best side of things.
I know I’ve been in abusive relationships and I knew that he’d been raped as a child.  I felt I
knew why he was like that.  I knew he’d loved me but I thought I can fix him.
Vivian: That’s a really important point. You know, the reason you’re in these relationships with them – and this is not to be victim blaming – I’ll preface it with that – they are they are masters at reading people.
They can’t detect those of us who  have a low self-esteem we have an inner void of not feeling good enough. We also have a huge amount of empathy. We’re the sort of people who will put others first and will put their needs above our own.
They  start to play on that, so they start to give you these sob stories.  ‘I had a very difficult past. My partner cheated on me. I’m down and out, I’ve lost my job’.   Whatever it is that’s
made them hard done by or makes you feel sorry for them and want to go and rescue them.
We also see them as having two sides, like Dr Jekyll and Mr (or Ms) Hyde. So, for example you get the really nice side and then you’ll get the nasty side.  Then you’ll get the nice side, then
you get the nasty side.  You see them as having two sides – you love the nice side.  You just don’t like this bad side, but you still forgive them because you don’t think they’re responsible for that side.
Mrs V:  Can I ask you, do you think they know or they’re conscious that they’re doing it?  Because I go: they’re not conscious they’re doing it, so it must not have meant anything, because they’re doing it out of habit.  Is there a consciousness to it?
Vivian: I don’t think there is, because they’ve got absolutely zero empathy for other people
and they have no idea about the implications of their actions on others.  If they do they will not take responsibility for it.  But, I don’t believe they do, because I remember getting that sense he just can’t see what he’s doing, this manipulation and they really do see themselves as the victim.
You feel sorry for them because you think that this Mr (or Ms) Hyde is trapped inside this gorgeous Dr Jekyll and you think, if I can prove that I’m worthy and I I love them enough. If I can show them I’m not like the girlfriends or boyfriends that came before, then they’ll change.
I’ll rescue them and I’ll bring that nice side out for good and you wait and hope for them to change into and that’s the lie.  They are the same person.  Mr (or Ms) Hyde is the real person. They just wear this nice mask, every now and again.  It’s a con.
They fool you into believing that the nice person is the real them,  but actually the nasty one is the real them.  They are good at fooling us into thinking that one day we are going to have that perfect future they promise so beautifully, together.  So, we wait and we hope for them to change. But they’re just not going to change.
They’re not even aware  –  well if they are they’re just highly manipulative and they don’t care – they’re never going to change.  I think it’s very slim chance.
Mrs V: It’s funny, because when I finally broke up with one of them and when I think, my son was going to be impacted by being affected by him, it feels as though something was going to
happen.
I remember we both cried, because he knew it was like a moment – if he loved me.   He knew that he wasn’t going to change I couldn’t change him.  There was that moment, but then of course it was horrific after that, because he threatened to kill me.  But I could see that moment where he realized.
Vivian:  It’s all very valid what are you saying and you really do understand it as well and the thing is what happens when you first meet them is they test your boundaries.  They detect you’ve got lower self-esteem and somebody with low self-esteem is more likely to not have strong healthy boundaries and say: no this is not good enough.  Because we feel that we’re not good enough.
It’s no wonder I was a attracted to this sort of guy, because when you’re low in self-worth you attract people who treat you as worthless.  So, once in the relationship he then starts to test your boundaries.  You start to get those glimmers of the bad side and if you allow them to push
those boundaries, which I did the first time he shoved me against a wall. I was really shocked. I thought: ‘Where did that come from?’
Then, within minutes he’s crying: ‘I’m really sorry, that’s not me.  I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to turn out like my father’ and I then felt sorrier for him than I did for myself  having had that happen to me.
So, unwittingly I showed him I wasn’t going to walk out the door and I stayed.  I crossed a Rubicon that day.
Again, I’m not victim-blaming.  It’s just that I was I was insecure. I was young and insecure, I didn’t know how to say no and I didn’t know how to put my needs before him.
Mrs V:  That’s a great point.  I don’t know if you’re talking about this later, but just on the boundaries for the relationship and for those of you who perhaps work in a work situation
where, you know, testing that level of boundaries happens too.   You know what’s not appropriate and to say it in the moment.  But, so often you don’t and you think about it afterwards.   Can you talk about that or what advice….

How to stand up to bullies in the workplace

 Vivian: Absolutely, I mean if the key to all of this – both in a relationship with an abusive person, but also in relationships with everybody – the two most important things are having
a really strong sense of self-esteem.  We can’t change anyone or anyone anything else around us, so you might as well stop trying and the most important thing to do is focus on yourself and really build that self-esteem.
Because if you can do that, then you can find the courage to have strong boundaries.  Once I learnt that, I’ve applied it throughout my career and this is why I’ve been really successful at work as well.
I remember the first time, you know.  When you lack self-esteem you really fear confrontation and I was terrified.  I had a boss who was – I remember him screaming at me in this garage – he was really being nasty to me.   I was terrified absolutely terrified but – I love this word: responsibility.   We have the ability to choose the way we respond.  We  can’t change other people, but we have the ability to choose the way we respond and what I did was I just took a very deep breath,  because I was terrified.  It was the first time I stood up for myself.
I realized by then to not get drawn into the emotion because they’ll throw these smoke bombs of emotional stuff at you.  Narcissists do this well to draw you in to this argument you’re never gonna win.
So, I remember just saying: ‘I’m really happy to talk about this, but I’m not prepared to talk about this while you are losing your temper and raising your voice with me.  If you’re prepared to have an adult conversation about it then I’ll continue. If not, we can talk about this tomorrow’. 
Then, it was incredible. It was like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz, you know, suddenly he just melted.  Because bullies are cowards.
Narcissists and everyday workplace bullies are cowards.  If you just stand firm and calmly stick to facts and no emotion.  Don’t get caught up.  If they’re saying ‘You this or that…’,  just say: ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree’ and leave it at that.
It gets easier once you do that the first time.  You just have to learn understand what are your emotional, physical, spiritual, whatever boundaries.
Mrs V: That was the one thing I know I often think.  Self-esteem was everything for me.  When I change.   Because I out of that relationship I went: ‘You know what? I prefer to be single than
being the wrong relationship for the rest of my life’.
It was such a cathartic moment because I remember deeply feeling that and then of course, went on to meet my soul mate, Maurizio.   And it was only through that – putting myself first on that level.
But, one of the things I know re bullying that helped me a lot, is the fact that as soon as someone says something to you and if you defend or justify your actions you’re in their grasp.  So, I think that was always something that stuck in my mind.
Vivian: Yeah, you’re handing your power away to them.  That’s really true. I think the biggest moment that really changed my life was when I realised couldn’t change him, I couldn’t change my relationship either.  I could only change myself and just let go.
There was somebody who once told me the serenity prayer.  I’m not religious, but it was just this incredible light bulb moment when they said:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I thought, I can’t change him.  But I can change me.
I have online video courses that I’ve created, in which I take people through the steps of
how I changed my life and turned it around.  I call them START WITH ME because it all starts with YOU.
You need to be able to find the happiness within you, because the rest will follow.  It’s incredible.  It’s like that beautiful song Whitney Houston used to sing about finding the love inside you.
Then, I had to ask myself these questions:
  • Do I like him?  Not love him, because I loved him well, I thought I loved him. I felt this incredible pull towards him, but I confused what love really was. Do I like him?
  • Does he or she have the same core values, belief and goals as you do?  When you’re with them are you being true to yourself.
  • Are they bringing out the best in you and are you bringing out the best in them?
  • Are you waiting and hoping for them to change, rather than loving them unconditionally for who they are right now?

When I asked myself that really honestly I thought: I don’t like him.  We don’t have these shared values, goals and dreams and he’s not bringing out the best in me.

I’m waiting and hoping for this fantasy of what we might become one day in the future to happen, rather than just saying: what if he never changes?  What if this is the best I get of him for the rest of my life? Will I look back one day with regret?

So, therefore I had to ask myself:

Is this relationship good enough for me? Do I deserve better? Click To Tweet

Now I apply those questions to everything – new jobs, friendships – you can apply them to everything in your life.   You know, is this job really aligned to me, this workplace aligning to my true values, beliefs and goals? Is it making me true to who I really am?

They’re great questions to ask, not just in relationships and the other thing to really remember is: trusting gut instincts.  We lose those gut instincts when we’re in abusive relationships, because they whittle away our self-esteem so much.
They use these manipulated tactics, so that we stop trusting our gut.  We believe them when they tell us we’re to blame and it’s our fault.  And so your gut instincts are the most crucial thing, they’re there for a reason.  They’re there to protect us.
What I tell people if they’re scared of trusting and possibly dating again is trust your gut and watch not what they say but what they do, because a narcissist or somebody abusive will
promise you all the wonderful things in the world you want to hear.  They’ll make you feel special.  But what they’ll do will be completely the opposite. They’ll say they love you but they won’t treat you in a very loving way.
When I met my husband I was terrified.  I tried to push him away, as I was really scared of
somebody emotionally available to me.  But, I just had to watch him and be still.
I’m sorry I’m going around a bit, but this also is this whole concept of letting go. It ties into that too.  If you can’t change anything or anyone else around you and all you can focus in on is you, then you can just let go.
Let go and trust and if it’s meant to be it will be.  Just be still, because while you’re rescuing someone, trying to fix them or obsessing over them you stop being still and you stop watching.
I had all the warning signs that he was no good for me, they were all there screaming loudly at me.  I just wasn’t seeing them, because I was too busy feeling sorry for him and trying to rescue him.
But, when you still and you watch what they do, like I watched my husband I’m with now.   I
thought: what he’s doing and what he’s saying – he is turning up, he is telling me I look beautiful and then treating me like I’m lovable – I started to relax because it’s quite simple. What he is doing and saying are aligned.
The other thing that happens is you see these little miracles that start to happen, which are
the most incredible thing that ever happened to me in my life.  When you’re still, let go and you trust that the best thing you can do is just focus on you.  Your self-esteem, your well-being and you walk a straight, honest line that’s totally true to your core values beliefs and goals, then the rest will come.
You start to see these little miracles: a person who comes into your life who tells you something you’re meant to hear and you learn something about yourself.  Or, you might have an unpleasant experience but that could be a mirror being held up to you as a lesson you need to learn. Something else you need to learn about yourself.
Or, you might have  an opportunity that comes your way and it’s the one you’re meant to do. It might fall apart and you think: ‘Oh my god that’s a disaster’.  But then had you not done that it
wouldn’t have  lead to the next thing that was meant to be.
So, that’s how I live my life and my life has changed as a result.
Mrs V:  It’s so interesting, because I know that when I was in that place of not knowing what to do and I know when you want to leave but you can’t, actually for me the biggest thing that
has helped create change and my ability to leave is to actually give up something.
For example, I know it sounds crazy but I knew I wouldn’t meet my soul mate unless I gave up smoking.  This was fifteen years ago, but I think if you can get into that place if you’re in a relationship and it’s so much easier in one way to stay, you go: if I want something new I’m gonna have to give up or let go, as you say, of something.  Then miracles happen.  I love that.
Before we open up for any questions  ….
Vivian:  Yes, okay.  There’s a lovely comment there.
Mrs V: Yeah, it’s beautiful.   Saying: ‘Intelligent woman, love listening here. She should be an advocate doing seminars’
Vivian: I am happy to do that. Actually, I’m already in discussion about hopefully doing a Ted Talk, which would be amazing.
Mrs V: If there are any questions you’d like to ask?
While we’re waiting, when you went through it I think what is the hardest thing is to actually leave. The big thing is making that decision to go and a lot of the time people.  My husband said: ‘why do women stay?  I don’t understand’
I could really see he didn’t understand and unfortunately I’ve been in a relationship where I thought:  I can fix him or I can change him or he’s heartbroken, because of all the damage done to him.
Vivian:  Well I’ve got no bones about this.  Because they target people who have very low self-esteem.  They then set you up by testing your boundaries to see whether you’re somebody whom they can push and manipulate.
Once they’ve done that – tested and set the rules of the game – which is: you’re going to take the
blame for everything they do and what goes wrong in the relationship.  Then they start to groom you in the way same way pedophiles do, with all of those manipulative tactics.  I haven’t described them all, but we do get groomed.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was leaving an abusive relationship, because you also develop an unhealthy addiction to them.  Because the cycle of abuse goes from nice to nasty, nice to nasty, nice to nasty and you’re hoping and waiting for them to change, you think that if you can just change your behaviour, then you’ll make it go away. You’ll get them back and you just crave that nice side so much.
You’ve got no self-esteem by now, because they’ve chipped away at it.  By the time you’ve been in the relationship for a while, the only person who can make you feel good about yourself again is them.  It’s like heroin.   So, I would say the way to get out, the best way to do it is to go cold turkey.
Like an addict, if you can go cold turkey and just cut all contact – that’s what I had to do.  If you have a child you then have to deal through a third party, not directly. Because the more contact
you have, the more you’re going to be exposed to their manipulation.  And the more you’re going to crave going back to them, because you know just one nice word and hug and: ‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean it’, will make you feel so good again.
I didn’t want to leave. I loved him and I wanted us to happy, so, when he just said: ‘I’m going to
change’, I believed him.
Melissa is asking about bullying in the workplace. I thought we did talk about that a little bit?  We’ll come back to that, because we touched on that.
Audience member:  What if the narcissist is your mother?
Vivian:  You know, it’s very common – I believe my mother has narcissistic traits – it’s very common for people who are daughters of narcissists, in fact there’s a book I read about daughters of narcissistic mothers, I’ve just finished reading that – quite often you go into an
abusive relationship that’s similar because you’ve been brought up by one.
I don’t have so much contact now and I manage it on my terms.
Mrs V:  I guess that was a challenge for you, because I remember watching from the outside and you’ve kept a kind of a very healthy boundary with her.
Vivian:  As soon as you realise it was her that was the issue and that took a while.  Weirdly, it’s only because I’ve been writing my book that it’s all just come back about my childhood.
You know, I was talking to a woman the other day and she has cut contact with her mother because she said: ‘it’s not good enough for me’.
If that relationship is not bringing out the best in you, you know, you don’t owe your mother anything.  We don’t ask to be born.  We don’t owe them anything and if she’s not bringing out the best in you.  If she’s hurting you, then why not consider cutting contact or or showing
her by your behaviour: when she isn’t nice to you you will pull back, but when she behaves nicely she can have your attention.   You know do the ‘talk to the hand’ bit!
Mrs V: Yeah, that’s a great one, which I’ve done and a friend has done, where it’s like as soon as they start just go: ‘I’ve got to go now, this is not an appropriate conversation’ or just go
and they think: ‘Oh’ and they get that message.
Vivian: Someone’s worried about the effect their ex is having on their son.
Yes, I know there’s a lot of women who speak to me about this.  I think what you’re saying is exactly right.  You lead by example.  I think kids are pretty smart actually.
I made a decision when I left, that I was never going to say a bad word about my ex to my son because I felt his relationship with his father is not my relationship with my ex.
So, I did not say one bad word about him and my son has made his own mind up.   He’s heard
unpleasant things from my ex, but he’s never heard me behave in a way like that before.  S0, he has made that choice.
I think you just have to lead by example.  You have to always keep going back to what your core
beliefs and goals are and try not to get caught up in the manipulation.   If your son is copying that behaviour and, as I was talking about before re bullying in the workplace – don’t get caught
up into emotional discussion or argument.  Just keep keep calm and polite and stick to facts or just say: ‘I don’t agree’
Mrs V:  My husband works with teenagers, so with mental health and a lot of kids who are in that position – and I know because I’ve been across it – it’s great having a male mentor if you
can find one.  That helps. One who models some great behaviours.
It’s very hard when it’s you, because I know the triggering happens as well.  When you’re in that relationship where you feel: God I need to spit back and it’s about you.
Vivian: I think that’s great advice about getting a mentor, a male mentor that can help.  That’s
a great idea, because I’ve been very lucky that when I met my husband, who I’m still with now -he has been an incredible role model.
It was very difficult in my son’s teenage years. He would tell him to ‘f*** off’ and he would say: ‘you’re not my father’ and push him away.  We had some difficult times.  But my husband was just there, consistent, respectful. He kept strong boundaries.
That’s another thing.  Boundaries are really important with your son.
Vivian (in response to an audience question):  Now, the author who talks about narcissistic mothers – let me just go and grab it because I can’t remember.
Mrs V:  We were just talking about boundaries too re bullying in the workplace, which we touched on earlier.  Also, not engaging and I think that’s really important is because as soon as you justify or defend yourself, you’re hooked into that whole conversation.
So, something’s inappropriate, just say: ‘Look, I don’t think that’s an appropriate question or I’d like to discuss it with my boss, together’.   Or you know, whoever looks after you, your superintendent. That’s the better way,  rather than trying to manage it yourself.  Because you’re in a workplace, there are people – go to HR – with any issues as well.
Vivian: Yes, I’ll add on to that, but this is the book: ‘Will I ever be good enough.  Healing the daughters off narcissistic mothers’ by Dr Karyl McBride.
I got into a lot of this. I just finished the manuscript for my book and it’s me.
Mrs V:  We’ll have to finish up, we’re a little bit over, but there’s so much to talk about.
Going back to bullying…
Vivian: If you if you face sexual harassment or bullying or something extreme in the workplace, then what I would do is stand your ground very calmly and politely.  Say: ‘I’m not going to have this conversation until you calm down’, if they’re raising their voice.
If they start accusing you of X, Y or Z starting with the word: ‘You…’, just say ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but I don’t agree’.  So, they own their behaviour.
I would also put in writing as soon as it’s happened.  Go back to your desk, put it in writing
and put the time and date. Record it.  Also speak to anybody else who witnessed it and get them to record it and then go to HR if you can’t deal with them directly.
You could first calmly confront them and express your dissatisfaction for the way they’re behaving, because they might not know they’re behaving like that.  They might not know they’re
crossing your boundaries.
But if they do and you don’t feel confident that you can confront them then I would have it
in writing, record it with dates and time and go to HR and speak to them about it.
Mrs V: I’ve just done, you know, those videos and I interviewed an HR person and a lawyer from Human Rights.  I didn’t know you can go outside your workplace to get help.   I had no idea there’s these helplines.
You can actually get someone to come and investigate on your behalf.
So now Viv, tell us what you are doing?
You’ve got some online video courses.  You’re writing a book.
Vivian:  I’ve got my Blog.  I post every week,  if not more and on every post I do a video.  There’s lot of free content that will help you if you’re interested.
I also have an online quiz that you can do.  A FREE QUIZ that tells you if your relationship is
good enough for you or not.
There’s online video courses which I’ve created for people go from Victim to Survivor and from Survivor to Staying Strong.
That is a crucial time – when you’re leaving an abusive relationship, still struggling and getting sucked back in, being pulled back into them.   This course about Staying Strong is all about how to break the cycle so you don’t go back to them or into another abusive relationship.
So, I’ve got the online video courses and I am about to start a video podcast.  My first interview
will be with Rosie Batty which I am excited about.
I’ve just finished the manuscript for my book, which is kind of unbelievable:  Unbeatable: how I lift a violent man
It’s my memoirs and wow, that’s been an amazing journey.  Very cathartic.  I’ve cried a lot through it.  I’ve learnt a lot about myself, even more than I thought I would and I’m peeling
those onion layers off.  It’s been an incredible ride.
I’m really proud of it so, that’s going to be published very soon and if you’re on my blog then you know, I’ll be shouting to the rooftops about that when it comes.
Mrs V:  Well congratulations.  It’s just been wonderful to watch you go through the whole process, from writing the book through to this stage, it’s been a dramatic transformation and it’s gorgeous to watch.
Thank you for sharing everything tonight.
Vivian:  I’m also working on a film called 50 Shades of Silence now.  If anybody out there, or if any of you know anybody out there who’s been the victim of cyber assault, cyber bullying
or revenge porn.
Cyber abuse is very topical at the moment with that young girl killing herself.  We have a website for this film which has resources that will help you if you need help in this area.
Mrs V:  Fantastic.  Thank you.  There was so much information.  Thank you for speaking to us live, it was so articulate.
Thank you and good night to everybody listening.
Vivian: If anyone wants any further support, I’ve also got a closed Facebook group and there’s a lot my former students in there, so, lots of people who are going through what you’re going through right now. They’re lovely, they all support each other and I’m in there a lot too.
 Mrs V:  Love you, thank you

Are your relationships – past or present – good enough for you?  Do you deserve better?  Try my FREE QUIZ to find out!

Written by Vivian McGrath

Vivian McGrath is a TV Executive Producer who makes documentaries for major US, UK and Australian broadcasters.  She is also a survivor of domestic violence.  Her book ‘Unbeatable (How I Left a Violent Man)’ – her story of surviving abuse to finding success in love and life – will be published soon.  She hopes this blog will help others to become strong, fearless and successful too.  Find out more about Vivian Here.

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