A narcissist who is abusive – whether emotionally or physcially – doesn’t love you.  They just need control.    And that need for control can turn into a cycle of violence.

When an Abuser is violent they have absolute control over you and that is what they need.   But then they feel remorse about what they’ve done and fearful you will leave them.  So, they cry like a baby and beg you to forgive them and stay.

You’re so low in self-esteem after the abuse, you are actually grateful to have their love back, so you forgive them.  You go back onto an even keel for a while.

That renewed sense of normality allows you to feel a bit stronger.  Their violence has made them the ‘bad guy’ (or ‘girl’) in the relationship, so now you have a little control over them.   It gives you a window of opportunity to try to get them to accept responsibility for their unacceptable behaviour.   And if so, you hope that they will then change it and the abuse will stop.

But as the balance of power shifts towards you, the Abuser feels weaker.   Their fear of losing control once more, leads to tension building within them.  The verbal abuse creeps back in until one day they snap again, in a violent outburst.  They’ve re-established control over you again. You are back down to being the powerless one.

A violent person is always responsible for their violence.  It is their choice alone to act that way.  But this need to control plays a central part of an abusive relationship.   And it swings from one partner to the other in a wild and destructive cycle.

When an Abuser loses that feeling of being in control, they’ll explode, get violent and push you away.   Having regained their power, they’ll feel secure once more.  Until the dysfunctional merry-go-round cycle repeats itself again.   And repeat it will.

You must get out as it will get worse.   If you don’t you risk losing your life.

Does this cycle sound familiar to you?  Let me know in the Comments below.

If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):

1800Respect: 0800 737 732  https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14  https://www.lifeline.org.au

National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107  http://paladinservice.co.uk

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  http://www.thehotline.org


Are your relationships – past or present – good enough for you?  Do you deserve better?  Try my FREE QUIZ to find out!

Written by Vivian McGrath

Vivian McGrath is a TV Executive Producer who makes documentaries for major US, UK and Australian broadcasters.  She is also a survivor of domestic violence.  Her book ‘Unbeatable (How I Left a Violent Man)’ – her story of surviving abuse to finding success in love and life – will be published soon.  She hopes this blog will help others to become strong, fearless and successful too.  Find out more about Vivian Here.

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