Why I want my ex to abuse his new girlfriend.

One of my followers has confided in me what her greatest fear is.

I won’t name her, but I thought it was a good subject to talk about.  It’s probably a secret fear a lot of you have.  This fear was mine as well.

She tells me she left a physically violent man and after that, he had a series of girlfriends.   But, the latest woman he’s with is someone she sort of knows through friends of friends.

She contacted this woman, to try to warn her, because she too had recently left an abusive partner.  She even left her children, to move in with my follower’s ex.

So, she tried to warn her about his violent past.

The woman’s response was it was the combination of the two of them.  ‘It’s going to be different with me’, she said.

The violence was only particular to that relationship and it’s not going to happen in this new one.

My follower went on to say that she feels much better away from this relationship.  But she fears she’s going to be alone and never find love again.

But, her greatest fear is: what if this woman is right?   

Why I want my ex to abuse his new girlfriend Click To Tweet

She secretly she wants her ex to abuse that new woman.  Because, if that pattern doesn’t repeat then perhaps she is to blame for the violence in that relationship?

Wow.   Thank you so much for your honesty and trusting me with this.  A lot of us feel the same.

Firstly, I don’t want another woman to suffer abuse at his hands.  But, I will say thank God you are away from him and his violence.

Secondly, there is no way that someone who is violent in a relationship, as he was, is not going to repeat this pattern in another one.  Violence doesn’t come as an isolated incident.

Somebody who is violent, has had this pattern of abusive behaviour instilled in them as a child.  Their parents didn’t meet their emotional needs as a child and they have low self-esteem.

He has the need to control another person through physical force.   That behaviour is not something that is going to happen randomly out of the blue and it will repeat.

The reason your relationship broke down is you finally had the courage to go to the police.  You finally had the courage to leave.  So, he could no longer control you.

He then went on to a series of new relationships very, very quickly.  Moving from one woman to the next and now settled in with someone new.

After leaving an abusive relationship, whether they break up with us, or we leave them.  We see them on Social Media, parading a new relationship and looking loved up and happy.

We have this fear.   That they are happier now without us.  So, it must be us.  We are to blame.

Narcissistic types love a good smear campaign, where they make out it’s you, not them, that’s the crazy one.  That it was you that made them the victim.

One way to do this is to show off their new relationship to the world: ‘Look it’s not me, it’s her.  I’m the victim.  But look at how happy I am now!’

I don’t believe for one minute that poor woman is not going to become his next victim, even if she isn’t now.  And she’s going to do everything that you did in your power to save that relationship.

She’s already thinking: ‘I can save him, I can rescue him, I’m going to be different from his ex before me’.  She’s even said so to you.

I thought that.  We all think that.  We see this damaged, broken person.  Believing we can rescue them.  We can fix them.

And then what we start to do when the bad behaviour starts to appear is we start to change our behaviour. She will do this too.

We think: ‘Maybe if I change what I do, then they won’t be so angry. Maybe if I do this instead, then they won’t abuse me’.  We don’t hold them accountable for their actions.

This woman also has a track record.  Look at her past. She’s also left an abusive relationship and gone into this potentially new one with your ex.   She has form and she has baggage.  And her baggage matches his.

I hadn’t come from an abusive relationship before and I didn’t grow up in an abusive family.  But, women or men who go into relationships with abusive partners all have the same baggage in common with them.

The narcissist is lacking self-esteem, so they have this inflated sense of ego.  They need to feed off others to make them feel good about themselves.

The ones they attract are those who also lack self-esteem.  Or who have had similarly bad relationships.

They’re also the types who are more likely to put others before themselves. Women who will see the narcissist as someone they can rescue and save from themselves.

Who put all their needs and wellbeing first and above their own.

That’s probably what she is doing already.  She’s thinking: ‘Here’s a guy that needs me.  I can look after him.  I’m not like the ones who came before.  I can rescue him’.   

Which also means:  I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’ve had an abusive relationship in the past.  Or that my self-esteem is very low.

It’s all going to look wonderful for a while. Because at the moment, he can control her while she’s doing that.   But, I can promise you that pattern of abuse will start to repeat.

He will start to show her his nasty side.  He will start to test her boundaries and eventually that violence will appear.  These patterns are ones that repeat.

Many women repeat the pattern and go into abusive relationships over and over again.  This is what it sounds like to me she is doing.

And he will repeat the pattern of abuse.  He’s chosen someone who is more likely to allow him to get away with that behaviour.

The most important thing – as you’ve said yourself – is that you feel good to be free of him.  But, you’re still focussing all your attention on him and his new partner.

While you’re doing that, you’re ignoring your own needs.   You need to focus on you now to heal.

When we leave abusive relationships we need to look at ourselves.  In part, we’re in those relationships because of we are low in self-esteem.

We unwittingly allowed them to push our boundaries.  We accepted bad behaviour.   The cycle of abuse started to spin and then it got worse.

I’m not saying you are to blame for it, but the fact remains.  We did not walk away when the red flags or first signs of violence appeared.   So, first and foremost, you need to work on your self-esteem.

While you’re focussing on him and obsessing with the fact – ‘this girl is different and maybe I am to blame for the violence’ – then you’re not going to heal.

You’re not going to look at what you need to do which is to work on yourself.

Take your focus off that toxic relationship.  Let go of what may or may not be happening within his new relationship. Otherwise, you’re still tied to him and you’re still his victim.

Take your focus away from them.  It’s not good for your wellbeing.  Put it back where it belongs.  Onto You.

Now is the time to work on you and now is the time more than ever to get help and support. Whether that’s from a support group – I’ve listed domestic violence resources here.

Or one of the free Facebook groups where people like you can gather.  I have my own: Unbeatable.  It’s a private place where you can share with others who’ve been through what you have.

Who all want to work towards healing and recovering from an abusive relationship, in a positive way.

In regards to your other fear.   That it’s too late for you and you’ll never find love again.  It’s never too late!

You will find love again.  I did. 

But I will give you a word of warning:  if you keep focussing your attention on your ex and how you’re to blame for what happened in the past.

The danger is you will start to feel lonely and you’ll go into another relationship.  You’ll repeat the pattern, just like that woman is probably doing with your ex.  You’ll go into another abusive relationship.

Before you think about dating, or finding love again, you need to find the greatest love of all.  As Whitney Houston said.  The one inside you.

You need to find self-love and really build that sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Because only when you do that can you set strong, healthy boundaries.

So, when you do start dating again, you are aware of the red flags and warning signs.  The ones that would have been there when you were dating your ex and you ignored.

You will start to see them and you will say: ‘No that’s not good enough for me. I can see where this is going to lead.  This is not going to be a healthy relationship’.

So, I hope this has helped?

I know your greatest fear is one a lot of us have – secretly wanting our exes’ next relationship to be an abusive one.  Or we’ll be shown up as the one who caused it, the one whose to blame.

You are not to blame for violence.  Even if he doesn’t go on to be violent with that girl.  His relationship with her is irrelevant to you.

No one is to blame for emotional abuse or violence in a relationship.   I am just so glad you are out of that relationship now because no-one deserves that.

Thankfully, you’re free.  Their partners kill 2-3 women per week.  You could have been one of them.

Stay strong.  Focus on you.  Let go of him and worrying about him.  Worry about you. Now is your time to heal.

Do you have this secret fear too?  Let me know in the comments below.

Are your relationships – past or present – good enough for you?  Do you deserve better?  Try my FREE QUIZ to find out!

Written by Vivian McGrath

Vivian McGrath is a TV Executive Producer who makes documentaries for major US, UK and Australian broadcasters.  She is also a survivor of domestic violence.  Her book ‘Unbeatable (How I Left a Violent Man)’ – her story of surviving abuse to finding success in love and life – will be published soon.  She hopes this blog will help others to become strong, fearless and successful too.  Find out more about Vivian Here.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *