Why do I feel sorry for my abuser?

Why do we feel sorry for our abuser? Because we have a void of inner shame

What is this power narcissists, our abusers hold over us?  Why do we feel such a pull towards them?  I’m not talking about when we first meet them.  When they sweep us into their orbit and bomb us with love with such an intensity.  No, why is it we still feel such a pull towards them even after abuse?

After violence, when they flood us with their tears of remorse, why do we feel sorrier for them? Why do we care more about their pain than our own or the abuse they’re just dished out to us?

If we’ve found the courage to leave them, why do we feel sick to our stomach over them?  Guilty about what will happen to them now we’ve left them?  Why do we long for the person who has hurt us to make us feel better again?

I’ve been speaking with some fellow survivors and victims of domestic abuse of late.  They tell me they are struggling with empathy and have asked me to talk about it.  It’s a battle I know only too well.  I know how hard that internal struggle is.

One says, it’s when they see their ex (having not seen them for a while).   When they are winning in court and their ex is looking a shell of himself.  It’s confusing, she says.  Why am I feeling so sorry for him?  Despite the years of abuse he put me through?   That is when her strength starts to fail her, she tells me.  The time she starts to become unstuck.

I recall that pull towards my ex.   Feeling so sorry for him, even after he could have killed me. Putting his needs and feelings above my own when he said how sorry he was, how much he loved me.  I felt guilty for leaving him, when I finally did so.  What would happen to him? I’ve abandoned him when he needed me!  Forget about the fact I now faced life as a young, single mother.  My own struggles and pain were beside the point.

Our empathy is one of the main reasons they’re attracted to us.  Why we are with them in the first place. Narcissists lack empathy.  They don’t understand the implications of their actions on others.  They never take responsibility for them either. They need to feed their inflated sense of self, or entitlement and their ego off others.   And the person they prey on is someone whose capacity to empathize with others is so great.  To the point where they put the narcissist above themselves.

We do this is we have low self-esteem.   With little self-worth, we’re not good at setting healthy boundaries.  Or caring about ourselves first.   So, we are ripe for manipulation by them.   We believe them we they tell us their behaviour is our fault.  We put their needs above our own.

Narcissists detect we have an inner void of shame that tells us we are not good enough.  It comes somewhere from our childhood.  They know exactly what buttons to press. The ones that wound that damaged inner child.   Also, the ones that soothe us and make us feel special and good again.

When they love-bomb us at the start. When they pour out their love for us after abusing us, we’re grateful for it.  It fills that void.  It makes the emptiness go away.

That hole inside us was dug out in childhood. Somehow our emotional needs weren’t fully met, so we don’t feel good enough.  We also fear abandonment.  How ironic that we then pick someone without the capacity to fulfil those needs. Who abandons us emotionally.

When we go into that cycle of abuse.  One minute we get the rush of their adoring side, the next the pain of them pushing us away. Like a drug dealer, they meter out doses of love and then abuse to us.  When they take it away, the pain we feel is so great.   This is because it taps into our deepest childhood fears.  That fear of abandonment comes rushing to the fore.

We need them to soothe that inner child with love.  We need them to tell us we are good enough, we are loveable.   So, we become ever needier on them.   The one who has hurt us to heal our pain.

What makes this cycle even more dysfunctional, is that they are the same as us.   Although they are the inflated ego, to our lack of self-esteem. They also have an inner void of shame.  They too fear abandonment.  Why when they start to reveal their vulnerable side to us, they push us away.   Just as we think the relationship will work and we’ll find happiness again, they sabotage it.  Self-destruct any happiness.  Trying to end it, before we abandon them.  Gaining control over us to put those fears at bay.

We can see this vulnerability beneath the arrogant, abusive exterior.  This is what makes us feel the need to rescue them. They need us to fix them.   And by finding someone we feel is more vulnerable than we are, we’re also putting a Band-Aid over our own inner turmoil.

We are attracted to these types as we are subliminally recreating feelings and patterns that are familiar to us from childhood.   To conquer them.   While we put all our focus on their pains, their needs, we can avoid facing our own.   If they need us, they won’t abandon us.  So, our childhood fears at kept at bay.  We’re in control of them.

Facing shame and winning can liberate you.

This is what pulls us back towards them.   Why we feel sorry for them.  When we see them in their vulnerable state, remorseful after abusing us. When we feel guilty after leaving them and they are down and out.  When she was winning in court and he was down, as that woman recently said to me.   It’s just pressing those childhood buttons.  That need to be needed, to hide our inner pain.

Those of us, known as Empaths attract Narcissists who lack empathy.  We fit in a destructive way. The only way to break that power a Narcissist has over us is to fill that void of shame with self-love.  To see the cycle for what it is and understand this has nothing to do with love, but control.

How do you stop feeling sorry for them?  That’s a more difficult one.  Narcissists manipulate us to feeling this way so they can continue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

A narcissist's motto: I’m right, you’re wrong. Everyone else is to blame. Click To Tweet

They press those buttons of fear we have, so that we accept the blame. By doing so, we convince ourselves there is hope to change them.  If I do this or that, then things will be okay.

But that is false hope.  Only they can change themselves.  Nothing we say or do can affect that. Especially when we’re dealing with someone who convinces themselves they’re the victim.

We must learn to let go.  Recognise what those feelings are that they are stirring in us so intensely. Take our focus off trying to rescue and fix them.  Heal our inner wounded child instead.

Once we do this, time eventually heals.  The power they have over us dilutes in its strength.   As my friend once said, it’s like a plant.  Stop watering it and eventually it withers away.  We start to feel less sorry for them, more ‘they’re not my problem anymore!’  Those buttons can no longer be pressed.

Let me know if you’re struggling with empathy in the comments below.

If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here .

Are your relationships – past or present – good enough for you?  Do you deserve better?  Try my FREE QUIZ to find out!

Written by Vivian McGrath

Vivian McGrath is a TV Executive Producer who makes documentaries for major US, UK and Australian broadcasters.  She is also a survivor of domestic violence.  Her book ‘Unbeatable (How I Left a Violent Man)’ – her story of surviving abuse to finding success in love and life – will be published soon.  She hopes this blog will help others to become strong, fearless and successful too.  Find out more about Vivian Here.

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20 thoughts on “Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?

  1. Dear Vivian

    I am so grateful for your words . In 2013 I was friendly stalked, sexually cohersed , verbally and emotionally abused by a narcasist who confused my head to the point after telling him 20 times on different occassions I am married and just want to do business in the form of scetches. I went with him to look at his art. He forced himself on me basically raping me in a nice manner. I am so ashammed as I allowed this monster to turn my life upside down. I allowed him for a few months after that out of fear and feeling sorry for him. Fell pregnant and then when my babies eyes turned brown and not my husbands lovely blue eyes . Kept feeling sorry for this bastard. Went to check on him in 2015 and blurted out about my baby. Got abused again. Eventually told my husband. Got a restarining order against this monster after being stalked protecting me my family and my baby. My husband out of grace forgave me as he says how can he not forgive me when Jesus forgave him. I am so broken inside and i feel dirty and sad. Raising a child that reminds me every day what was done to me and my family. He tried to get visitation rights. Backed off after my husband and I said i reserve my right to press charges for rape, abuse , blackmail and sexual cohersion. This man has so many of the traits you mention above and more. And admitted that a friend told him to take advantage of me in 2013. He was so sick to tell me after his deed i am sorry i came so fast it was so nice i didnt get chance for a condom . And then apologising for the shock on my face telling me i should get a morning after pill. Then breaking my family down and tried to get me away from my family bad mouthing my loving husband. Stalking and cohersing on whattsapp. I am seeing a psychologist but I live with this constant fear of bumping into him and him getting rights my baby. I can not explain the hate I feel towards him and the disgust. The things he said about other woman he dated before. His lack of empathy. His puffed up ego. His cunning ways to get me there. How do we ever feel whole again ?

    1. I’m glad you are getting psychological support, as you can’t do this alone. If you are being stalked by this man then I would go to the police and report him. Stalking is a serious offence. Stay safe.

  2. Worst is not ever saying my say! How do the courts protect us from this. I understand so much of what you wrote about our own vilnerability as I have a picture in my mind when i was teo being touched inapproriately by some family member and all i see is myself from behind. And never being good enough in my dads books did not help. I wish i can warn woman about men like this monster. Chicken eyes always asking private questions. Acting strange. Even telling me he was a fallen angel. At times only things that kept me going was Gods love for me and my husbands being a safe and loving haven. If you have any advice for me . I will find your books.

    1. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Have you ever had counselling or support to deal with this sexual abuse? It can impact you in many ways and you may also suffer post-traumatic stress disorder from something like that. You were a child, taken advantage of. You were not to blame for this. Perhaps this might help you to process what happened to you and help you heal from it? I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/ Thanks for being here and for your message.

      1. Dear vivian

        Thank you so much for the information. I will make us of it. I have been seeing a psycologist in 2017 and a bit in 2016. It has been hard for me to work through this. I never knew the world had such evil people and to just go into a stone cold coma i dont know what posessed me. Thank you for speaking out it helps to know that I am not alone. I was thinking yesterday how i just ignored all the warning signs. So upset with myself.

        May God bless you in your work. I am in south africa and think i should join a support group. I will order your books and recources

        1. Hi Catharina. I appreciate your support. A support group is a great idea. I went to one for at least seven years (even after I met my lovely husband I’m married to now) and it really helped me. My book is not quite out yet, just finished the second draft. Not long now. Try not to blame yourself. We all ignored those warning signs! I wish you all the best for 2018.

  3. From marrying him at18 only until now at 43. Have i just read what yhis hell i am in is? . I feel sick. I’ve actually vomited after reading this article. I just typed my husband abuses me even pregnant and this came up I’ve loved him and heard sorry a hundred times over and am destroyed

    1. I’m so sad to hear this Jasmine. Thank you for sending this message. It can be hard to understand if we are in abusive relationships or break the denial that we are in one. I’m glad you’re here. Firstly, I’d suggest considering getting professional help and support by calling one of these free domestic abuse helplines: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/ to help you understand what you’ve been through. I also have a closed FB Group with many who are going through what you are. They all offer each other support and advice too. https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/ I hope you keep reading and watching my videos and they continue to help you understand the abusive cycle and how to free yourself from one. x

  4. I am the daughter of raging narcissistic mother and a submissive codependent father. I have the double whammy of living with a man for over 11 years who is autistic (official diagnosis) and a narcissist. This is my second long term abusive relationship, I am 40. My excessive unhealthy powerful empathy controls me even more than he does. The overwhelming sorrow I feel for him is keeping me trapped in this situation. I cannot call it a relationship as we have never been intimate – he is not interested in intimacy (a trait of autism). He doesn’t physically abuse me, he is very nasty, aggressive, manipulative and controlling. He stopped working within 5 months of us being together, he now only works 15 hours a week cleaning the building we have an apartment in. He drinks a bottle of wine a day and more at my expense. He doesn’t buy birthday or Christmas presents He lives like a hermit, will not go out anywhere and will not allow me to have visitors to my home except his parents (autistic, narcissistic mother and co-dependant father) and my brother. If I go out he makes me feel terribly guilty when I come home. We don’t eat together, we don’t spend any time together he lives in his study all the time. He admits he doesn’t need to be with me, he just needs to know I’m there somewhere. My life is miserable I’m severely overweight as I eat to numb my pain and yet I cannot leave him as I feel so very very sorry for him and I worry what his life will be like if I end this. He has no emotional support from his useless parents and he has no friends. He gaslights me constantly, takes no responsibility for his actions or himself and has a tremendous sense of entitlement. Yet I feel sick with sorrow and pain at the thought of ripping his life to bits by taking away all the luxury of his cosy little life and the total lack of any worries or responsibilities he has. I feel like I will die before him from misery and ill health and he will end up alone anyway. He verbally abuses me, I feel angry and strong and want him to go and then within 15 minutes or less the tremendous cloud of empathy for him descends and I feel guilty for having even felt angry with him. I feel like visiting his parents with him and leaving him there. Would that be as terrible an act to carry out as it feels? I’m so afraid of the consequences if I try to end this in the traditional sense. He has never physically hurt me and yet I have real fear he could if pushed enough and taking away this life I have provided really would be doing that. He has a history of putting his hands up to a woman’s throat. I have fed the monster and I realise that! Love to all women and men stuck in these hell like lives.Your article has helped me a lot and I’m a subscriber to your You Tube Chanel. You seem like a truly lovely woman and I’m so grateful for your advice and support such as this article.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words of support, Louise. I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I would urge you to ask yourself: is this relationship good enough for me? Is it good enough for my wellbeing? Is he bringing out the best in me? Am I staying true to my core values, beliefs and goals? Is this a relationship I will one day look back on with regret? I think you know the answers already. It sounds to me like you deserve better. He is an adult. You are not responsible for him. You do not owe him anything, so there is no need to feel guilty if you choose to leave. Try to take your focus away from him and put it back where it belongs. Onto YOU. Put yourself and your needs first. Look after yourself. Life is too short. I would also contact one of the free domestic abuse helplines to get some support, as it is hard to do this alone. I’ve listed them here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/
      Thank you for following me and your kind words.

  5. I recently ended potentially the ugliest relationship I’ve ever had. When I met him I fell in love almost immediately and he moved in with me pretty quickly. We had such a strong and deep connection and the first date we talked and talked like we were old friends, into the early hours. A soulmate for sure. It was apparent to me that he had some deep set issues and I was very empathetic with them at the beginning, understanding and handled him gently. That was, until his controlling side from his insecurities began to drive a deep wedge between us to the point where I couldn’t talk to my housemates without being questioned about the conversation, somehow thinking we had been speaking foul of him.. Never. Early on into the relationship the violent side came out in him. In truth, I think we brought out the very worst in each other.. I have never ever screamed at someone the way I screamed at him when we fought, almost like I had been possessed. It was the second violent incident I decided enough was enough and he had to go. I felt completely empty, lost, unable to sleep and eat for weeks and practically flunked my exams. A few months on, after numerous attempts to try to meet up but always ended up in a slanging match before a plan was ever made, I still miss him with all my heart. Strange, for someone that treated me so badly. Now the initial heartbreak stage is over, I find myself lying awake at night thinking about what could have caused him to behave the way he does. Breaking my heart to think that in the past perhaps he was not loved or treated as he deserved, even as a child and I feel almost like wanting to be a nurturing mother, to hold and comfort him and wanting to help him love himself. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to contact him though all I want is to channel love to him. We cannot be in a relationship, certainly not with how troubled he is, but I feel like I want to be there for him. If I did contact him, I don’t think he would take the message as I intend and would just think I’m a crazy ex. But reading this I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels deeply sorry for an abusive ex partner, because I know the way he treated me was not justified by anything I did.
    I find it’s crazy I feel this deeply connected to someone who was not only horrid to me, but I knew for only a few months. I’ve had no issue shaking off relationship baggage after the initial breakup stage before now..
    I hope he finds light and love within himself and eventually, peace with his demons.

    1. Hi Annie and thanks for your message. I’m glad you are both out of this relationship as it’s not a healthy one, as you say. What I am hearing here though, is that you are still putting his needs first, above your own. You’re focussed on him and not you. Firstly, I’d say you cannot help him to love himself. No-one can. Whilst you take responsibility for trying to do this and to nurture him, you may enable him to avoid taking responsibility for himself and when things go wrong he will blame you. Secondly, a relationship in which one is the ‘nurturing mother’ to the needy child is never going to be a healthy adult to adult relationship. You will never find satisfaction for your needs or happiness there. I hope you can try to take your focus away from him now and put it back where it belongs – onto YOU. Look at why you have this need to rescue others, nurture others who you feel are needy of you to help them and not put you first. Work on your self-esteem and sense of self worth. Otherwise you risk going back to him or repeating this pattern and finding another unhealthy relationship. It’s best to try to change this dynamic to find healthy love. I wish you all the best.

  6. I am having a hard time. I was with a guy for 4 years. He has two kids which aren’t mine but I raised them. I became a mom at 19 for him, and I’m 23 almost 24 now. During our relationship, he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. And I was abused as a child. From the beginning there was always another girl. He never wanted just me. But I was so committed. I put up with anything. I moved in with him. And I found out he was talking to other girls. I tried to forgive him for it but he kept doing it. Then months later he cheated on me. Gave me an STD. I left for a few weeks, then I went back when he promised he would change. He didn’t. He became abusive. I am very emotional and he would hurt me when I would cry to him about how he treated me. He would hurt me very bad. But I never left. Just begged him to want me and love me. Then he cheated on me again about 4 months ago. I left again. I wasn’t going to go back. But he promised he was gonna be different and he wasn’t. He got physically abusive again and hurt me bad. One night I was crying about how he treated me and then he lashed out and hurt me. He kicked me in the face and left me with a swollen bruised face. He threw my clothes out of the closet onto the bed. I left that night. Went to my dads. Then he started texting me asking where I was and swearing he’ll change. How can someone be so cruel. I got my clothes and left the next day. He was texting me saying it’s not too late for us. But it is. I never replied, and then a few days ago he texts me and says out of nowhere that it’s too late for us because he’s gonna tell the kids now that I’m gone. I didn’t reply but I can’t help but feel that he’s manipulating me. Trying to make me feel bad for what HE did. It’s killing me.

    1. Hi Meagan. This breaks my heart to read what you’ve been going through. This is emotional and physical abuse and it will only get worse. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. We wait and hope they’ll change and believe them when they say they will. We also start to believe it is our fault. You are not to blame and you do not deserve this. Please get help and support to stay away from this man. Any physical violence must be taken seriously. 2-3 women per week are killed by their partners. I have listed domestic violence resources – free anonymous helplines – here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/ You can’t do this alone, but you can turn your life around. I did at your age. It is hard to break free from coercive control, which is the manipulation he is using to make you keep going back. But with help you can. I hope you can find this support to do so.

      1. I have left and I never said anything to his texts. He’s said it all before. What I don’t understand is how someone can have no remorse and be so cruel. He didn’t just hurt me physically, he ruined my self esteem and my confidence. I built a life with him. Committed myself to only him. I became a mom for him. And he never cared. Why? I feel this sadness for him because I wanted to save him. I wanted him to feel loved, and he ended up wrecking me completely. I begged him for years to just love me. Literally begged. And he never did. Looking back it just kills me. I don’t understand why he did those things.

        1. Hi Meagan, I understand. This is the most painful part. It’s what we wait and hope for, just for them to love us in return. The sad thing is they are not capable of loving anyone else in a healthy way. It also hurts as we never get the closure we need after leaving i.e. for them to realise all we did was look after them and love them. Try to let go and focus all your energy on you now. Build your self-esteem. Really learn to love yourself first, before looking to someone else to love you. We attract what we think we deserve and you deserve better. I’m not sure if this post helps you to understand it a little better: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ Stay strong x

  7. I also feel terrible and sorry for my abusive ex. First time we dated was a whirlwind. Immediately more intense and joyful than anything I have ever been through. I knew he loved me and would do anything for me. Then came the trust issues, the melancholic attitudes because he just “knew” something was going on behind his back. There wasnt. The being mad at me for going on vacation with my family. I wasn’t perfect either. I was ashamed to tell my parents we were together because I couldn’t trust that it was stable enough. Then the delusions came. He constantly would question me about ridiculous things like where I had been when we talked every hour anyway. And I never was doing shady crap. There was no trust . Eventually it got too crazy one night and he put his hands on me. I got a no contact order but several months later I went back because I missed him and he promised he changed. Things went okay for about a year. I learned to deal with the trust crap as best as I could. I confirmed my life to minimize any confrontation, not because he made me, but because I wanted to build a life with him. I truly didn’t mind too much. I got sick of being falsely accused and persecuted for minor infractions and he began to call me names and tell me to kill myself. I started pushing back, standing up for myself and setting boundaries. The verbal abuse escalated and threats were made about my safety. I ended it.
    And here we are. A couple weeks later. Hes sorry. Hes begging me. Hes willing to play by my rules and my boundaries now. He went to a self help group discussing relationships even. I feel so bad for him and what he may be going through but I am trying to stay string because we have gone through remorse and the honeymoon stage before. Am i wrong for ignoring him? I feel if I talk to him I’ll submit and end up feeling bad for him or giving in because I do love him and did want to build a life with him. I’ve known him for 15 years, is “turning my back” on him cold hearted. I feel going back again would be foolish, but I can’t stand standing by when he is exhibiting so much remorse.
    I want to act in morally and ethically right manners more than anything. But doing so with seems to lead me right back into the same position.

    1. Hi Lindsay, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Let’s put aside what he wants for the moment. What do you want? What are your gut instincts telling you? Are you with him in the hope he’ll change? If so you may be waiting and hoping forever. What if he never changes? Can you love him as he is now – someone who abuses and threatens you? Is this relationship really what you deserve or do you deserve better? The most important thing is to put yourself and your needs first. Is this relationship good enough for you and will it bring out the best in you? Will you look back one day without regret? Or will you spend years waiting and hoping for the dream of what might be to happen? \ What he does is more important than what he says. Narcissists and abusive types will say anything to gain control over you, then do the opposite and hurt you. Given he has a track record of this, you already suspect that once you go back the cycle will repeat again. This is the most likely scenario. I would say trust your gut, do what is best for you, not what is best for him over and above you. This post might help you too: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/

  8. I can relate to this article so much, I have been in and out of a mentally, emotionally, physically abusive relationship for the past 7 years.
    I met him when I was just 17 years young and of course he was my “first true love” 6 months in he first pulled my hair. Since then it has only ever got worse, I am not allowed to see my friends, If I go to my mothers I am allowed to be there for half hour and then it’s “where are you?”.

    He has beaten me so badly I was in hospital for 2 months and lost the eye sight in my left eye. This was because I had a work Christmas party and drank 2 glasses of champagne, on the way home I bought chewing gum to cover the smell as he hated me drinking, one drop and it was “your a alcoholic just like your dad”.. The chewing gum did not work, he not only penalised me for the fact I had been drinking but for the fact I had bought the chewing gum to try and hide it! We got into a fight and he threw a pint glass and unfortunately it hit me in the face, even after this he came to the hospital with me and sat with me all night long, looking back I highly assume now that he did so in order to stop me telling them what happened, so there I sat telling the doctors that I had inflicted this pain on myself.. Worst mistake of my life as I constantly regret not telling the truth. Thing is, I still went back… Even when I was in hospital for the 2 months he would still text me being nasty, I just cannot fathom how someone who is meant to love you can be so evil and cruel.

    At the beginning of 2017 I left him, and managed to to do for 8 months! I was so happy in the beginning, I HAD MY LIFE BACK! He got another girlfriend in a matter of weeks. I was going out with my girlfriends enjoying my self, making up for lost time I guess. But it got out of hand, I was partying every weekend, drinking etc… All of a sudden it got to the 8th month and I completely freaked! “He tames me!?” “I don’t do this when I am with him..!” “He’s the only one who can control my bad behaviour” so like a fool, I went to see him and declared how sorry I was for leaving and how I had made a massive mistake, he of course jumped at the chance of us reconciling, all that I asked for him was not to hit me and for me to have my own space.

    3 months later here I am… Unhappy yet again and I am so p’d off because I did so well! And yet here I am back at square 1! I am not allowed social media, I am not allowed friends, I am not allowed to stay at home, I am not allowed to wear certain things and worst of all I write this sporting a nice black eye. He flipped out last week as he found a photo on my phone from the period of time we wasn’t together of me, my girl and two guys that we met when out for drinks “What are their names” he screamed, I don’t know! I really didn’t know because it was such a brief encounter… He wasn’t satisfied with that, so punched me in the ribs, stomach, my head multiple times and then punched me in the eye I am already blind in.

    I left for one day, then the sob story came and I instantly felt guilty and went running back, “I’ll never hit you again, if I do you have every right to leave”…. BS! Which I have heard time and time and time again. So why.. Why why do I find myself unable to leave?????????

    We have no future and I cannot even really stand being touched intimately by him anymore, we have a puppy together that he recently bought (I think it was a tactic to get me attached) which has worked because I love the pup to pieces. He lives round the corner from my mums which makes it so difficult, I have called the police before but never gone through with going to court or anything. I don’t want to go to the police. However, I am scared to leave. He will wait at the station he knows my work address, he knows my home address. I am so stuck it’s unreal, meanwhile I am texting him right now like everything is fine. I want to be free again and do not want to fail again, do you have any advice that may help even if it is a sentence I take from your reply, any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

    1. Your story breaks my heart Pippa. You deserve so much better. Please don’t blame yourself. We all go back over and over again. The pull back to them is so strong, it’s tough. We believe them when they say they’ll change and that somehow we’re to blame for it. The most important thing is you know this is not healthy. That’s the first step – admitting you’ve made a bad choice. I would go further and say that with the level of violence you have already suffered, you risk losing your life to this man. Please be careful. Don’t tell him you are leaving, but get help and support now. You can’t do this alone. We become what is known as codependent – addicted to men who are unavailable to us emotionally and hurt us. That addiction is hard to break. I’ve listed domestic violence resources (free helplines) here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I also have online video courses that will take you step by step how to leave safely and work through why you were with him in the first place. That show you how to break this addiction and not go back or repeat the same pattern with another man. You can find out more here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/online-courses/ The most dangerous time is when you say you are leaving or after you’ve left, so please get help and support to plan a safe exit. Record everything that is happening – date, time, details – so you have a record from now. Take a photo of your black eye. I would even consider going to the police and asking their advice, even in confidence. They may have a domestic violence liaison person you can speak to. You’ve already lost your sight to this man. You do not want to lose your life to him. I promise you you can get your life back and turn it around. I’m proof of that. It will be hard and it takes time. But you can do it. I’m here to support you too.

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