Leave my abuser?  How could I when I still loved him?

I’ll be honest. I knew my ex was a screwed-up guy. My head told me that not long after we met. The alarm bells were screeching. Could I hear them? Of course! Did I listen to them? No. My heart told my head to sod off and I agreed.

Here was a charismatic, gorgeous man focusing all his attention on me. I was the only one in his universe. Fireworks that would rival Sydney’s New Year’s Eve were going off. The sexual chemistry was intense. He was the best drug ever.

The high of being with him was intoxicating. Nervous butterflies were on a rampage in my stomach, which did a bit of a flip every time I saw him. And that’s how I knew he was the one. Yeah, right.

Like most Narcissists, it took a while for his darker side to kick in. But when it did I was already way too hooked on him; I needed more. So, I ignored all the warning signs. The ones that were there in front of my face, with bells on.

When Mr. or Mrs. Charisma has hooked you in, they have you. Then their dark side starts to come out. They start to become a bit moody. To pick a fight, usually over something “you’ve done.” So, you start to change your behavior in anticipation.

If his anger was over something you wore, you change your wardrobe to clothes less “slutty.” If she doesn’t like your friends, you stop seeing them. But no matter what you try, nothing works. The goal posts just get moved. They find another reason to blame you for their anger.

Abusive people have all the answers as to why they treat you poorly. Past girlfriends or boyfriends have betrayed them. They’ve had a difficult childhood; bad luck has let them down. So, you believe them and keep ignoring the warning signs.

To you, this is still that gorgeous person who swept you off your feet. You can still see the good beneath the dark side. You think: all they need is someone like you to take care of them, to bring that charming side back to the fore. And that makes you feel needed, secure.

But then the abuse gets worse. When they go into a rage now, they may storm out and disappear for days. They may even show the first signs of physical abuse. A push or a shove. Something that shocks you, as it comes out of the blue. (Something they’ll later dismiss as not being violence).

But the thought of breaking up and never seeing them again terrifies you even more than how they’re treating you. Hooked in as you were by the drug of when they basked you in their sunshine, you can’t or don’t want to see the real person they are. You ignored the early warning signs, now you deny the reality. It’s true what they say. Love can be blind.

When their rage has calmed down and they reappear, you’re relieved to see them again. It helps that the remorse they now show is equal to the severity of their latest abuse. They say how sorry they are. They sob in your arms. They’re “ashamed” of what they’ve done. They’ll “never do it again.” Blah, blah, blah.

They admit that they need you more than ever to help them change. And of course, this is music to your ears. But this honeymoon period never lasts. The verbal and / or physical abuse, followed by remorse, repeats itself. Over and over, in a cycle.

This cycle of violence (emotional and/or physical) is a toxic turning of unpredictable highs and lows. With each spin, it breaks you down. Any shred of self-esteem you have starts to erode.

You feel worthless and almost deserving of their anger. You start to believe it when they say you’re to blame for it. But you somehow rationalize it all by thinking that all they need is you to fix them to make the abuse go away. All you need to do is to love them more.

You don’t realize it, but loving them has become an addiction for you. You’re addicted to an unavailable person—someone who is not there for you and who doesn’t care for you. They may even be more focused on their own addiction, to alcohol and/or drugs.

Your head might be screaming at you to leave. But you just can’t. In your heart, you feel you love you them. “They need me,” you rationalize. You might even feel guilty if you abandon them.

You are just like an addict. If you admit that your life has become out of control and walk away, you’ll lose the very thing you are addicted to. That high you get from their charismatic, remorseful, attentive side. What you need to make you feel good again. After each dreadful low, you are desperate for a ‘fix,’ that high, again.

But at some point, you will reach rock bottom—the abuse will become extreme. If they’re physically abusive, they may have even tried to kill you. My ex did, by strangling me. He wrapped his hands around my throat when I was seven months pregnant and with a demonic look in his eyes he screamed, “Die, you c***! Die.”

Like many women, even after that, I still loved him! My heart kept screaming at me not to leave him. Yes, even after he almost killed me.

If you’re lucky your head will start to outweigh your heart. You’ll stop denying that this person is no good for you. Finally, you’ll dig deep and find the courage to walk away. I did. But not before going back to him many, many times. The drug-like pull back toward him was so great. The high, after we first reunited again, was better than the pain I felt when I was without him, alone.

When you leave an abusive person, the withdrawal feels as agonizing as, I imagine it might be, weaning off heroin. It did for me, at least. You’ve been numb for so long that a gamut of emotions pour out at once. Shame, anger, loneliness, guilt—you name it, you feel it. It hurts.

I have never sobbed like that before in my life. I was so overwhelmed by the rawness of them. But you need to feel these emotions, as painful as they are. You need to thaw out. To go cold turkey in order to recover.

Unless you look hard at why you were addicted to an unavailable person in the first place, you risk going back to them. Or replacing them with a different drug, in the form of another abusive person. Either way, like any addict, you risk losing your life.

You need to ask yourself the same questions I did:

Why is it I still love someone who abuses me? Why is it I need to numb myself with someone who is like a drug to me? Someone you know is no good for you, but is the only thing that will make you feel good again. Hopefully, like me, you’ll realize your addiction started way before you ever met this person.

I’m sure you know already that it has something to do with low self-esteem. If we don’t love ourselves, we’re attracted to those who treat us as though we are unlovable. But it’s not enough to just tell someone they need to “love themselves more.” “You need to work on your self-esteem!” That’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know.

First, you need to understand why it is that you feel you are unlovable, or not good enough. How you came to be so low in self-esteem that you let a person abuse you. Only then can you break the cycle of addiction to them and recover.

You may be like me, having grown up in a comfortable, happy home. Never having experienced verbal or physical abuse before in your life. Or you may have suffered it in your family and be repeating the negative patterns of your past. Either way, the root of low self-esteem is if, in some way, your emotional needs were not met as a child.

It might be, for example, that one of your parents had an addiction say, to work or to alcohol. The other parent was then so focused on rescuing them that neither could meet your emotional needs.

It may be as simple as having a parent who was controlling. You weren’t allowed an opinion or any feelings of your own. And if you voiced them, they shut you down, so you learned to mistrust your gut instincts over time. Or it might have been they were such perfectionists, the only way to gain approval was to be perfect in every way.

Our experiences are unique to us, so only you will know. But try to work it out.

If our emotional needs aren’t met as a child, we grow up to have that fear we’re “not good enough.” We also fear abandonment, as we know how painful that is already.

Our parents may have been there when we were kids, but couldn’t deal with us on an emotional level. So, we choose a partner whose baggage matches ours. Someone whose needs weren’t met as a child either and who is as insecure as we are. Even better if they have problems that we can rescue them from—an addiction or a traumatic past. For if they need us, if they depend on us, then in our subconscious minds, they’re less likely to abandon us. To do what we fear most.

Besides, if we can be their rescuer, then we can focus all our attention onto them. By doing so we can deny, ignore, we can even numb our own feelings of insecurity and fears inside. It’s them that has the problem, not us! And it’s such an effective drug, we might not even be aware those feelings exist at all. I wasn’t.

The trouble is, this is a dysfunctional dance. The steps feel familiar, of course, as you’re recreating scenes from childhood to master them. But two people who are insecure are incapable of fulfilling each other’s needs.

To feel secure, both have the pathological need to feel in control. While I was ‘rescuing’ my ex, I felt in control and confident he wouldn’t leave me. But that left him feeling vulnerable, afraid I would see his flaws and walk away. So, he would need to push me away to regain his power.

Now I was the vulnerable one. Terrified he would abandon me, I would forgive him anything to get him back again. If I couldn’t, it would reinforce those painful childhood feelings I had of being unlovable. It would reveal the depth of my insecurity and fears.

And so, I tried to please him, to prove I was worthy of his love and my weakness gave him strength again. The love he then showered onto me was just the drug I needed to numb those fears away and gave me security to start rescuing him again. And so, the cycle begins.

But is this love? I had to ask myself the same. He was a man who treated me as worthless, I knew that. Yet I couldn’t leave him. I still “loved him.” Or so I thought. Until I understood that this is not love, but an addiction. An addiction to someone who could never love me, who could never meet my emotional needs.

He said he loved me all the time. But he never showed me I was lovable. I told myself, too, that I loved him. But in fact, I just wanted to rescue him, to turn him into something I had projected him to be, not who he was. A pity project, perhaps, that could distract me from how f***ed up I was.

When I finally left, I had to treat my addiction to this unavailable man the way any addict does. Go cold turkey. Thaw out. I had to feel all those painful feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Those hideous emotions that poured out. But that was the only way to heal.

I had to go back to the root cause of my lack of self-esteem, where it was seeded in my childhood. Not to judge my parents. Like me, they were doing the best they could at the time. But to understand how I’d come to be this way.

As painful and as hard as this is, once you get it and face those fears down, your insecurity will start to melt away. And little by little you begin to love yourself. I started by doing one nice thing for myself each day. Eventually, I found that self-esteem that everyone had been going on about.

You only attract someone equal to what you think you are worth. Abusive people, who previously saw a chink in your armor, will now see you and run a mile. They’ll see that you get they’re not good enough for you.

Those people who are self-confident and don’t need you to rescue them, will no longer terrify you. And among them will be the one, like I have since found. The person who treats you with kindness and respect. The person who meets your emotional needs and brings out the best in you. The person who allows you to be vulnerable, but safe. They’ll never use that vulnerability as a weapon against you.

Sure, they could walk away any day. But you’ll no longer fear that. For if they do, you’ll just figure it’s not meant to be. You’ll still be there. And you’ll be enough to meet all your own emotional needs, with or without a partner.

Does this resonate with you?  Let me know in the comments below.

This post was republished with permission from TinyBuddha.com.  You can find the original post here.

If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):

1800Respect: 0800 737 732  https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14  https://www.lifeline.org.au

National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107  http://paladinservice.co.uk

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  http://www.thehotline.org

Are your relationships – past or present – good enough for you?  Do you deserve better?  Try my FREE QUIZ to find out!

Written by Vivian McGrath

Vivian McGrath is a TV Executive Producer who makes documentaries for major US, UK and Australian broadcasters.  She is also a survivor of domestic violence.  Her book ‘Unbeatable (How I Left a Violent Man)’ – her story of surviving abuse to finding success in love and life – will be published soon.  She hopes this blog will help others to become strong, fearless and successful too.  Find out more about Vivian Here.

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35 thoughts on “I can’t leave my abuser. I still love them!

  1. Thank you for sharing you experiences . You have captured the reality of these situations so accurately. It’s like reading what is currently going on in my brain. I am struggling to leave an abusive relationship. At the moment Dr Jekyll is who I am dealing with- he is really really nice. Mr Hyde is a muted right now but I know he is in there and I am terrified of when he flits into that way of behaving. I am battling with myself- all I need to say is “this relationship is over” but I can’t seem to make the break- the words won’t come out of my mouth. I think it’s a survival thing. I fantasise about dumping him but in reality i just can’t make it happen. I am trying to take steps each day to build my confidence back- I think I am getting there but it will take time. My boyfriend and I don’t live together at the moment so that has made it easier as it has given me some space to breathe and feel safe. He is being really nice to me right now which makes me question my judgement and wonder if perhaps things may change. It is so confusing. This is my second abusive relationship. My first abuser left me for another woman after 8.5 years. I was so upset but looking back it was a blessing. But then I met number 2 after 18 months of being on my own. We have been together for almost 4 years. At first it was like something out of a romantic novel and he felt like my knight in shining armour but it has descended into abuse. I cannot believe it. It has been a different type of control- he has different techniques but it’s more scarey as he doesn’t seem to have problems putting his hands on me when he is angry, he has a criminal record for extreme violence and he is paranoid and jealous- even though I haven’t done anything wrong. I just feel that if he loses it properly I won’t stand a chance. My gut instinct tells me I am in danger around him as he has already pinned me to a wall by my head but this was when I tried to end it before which I think stops me from ending it as I am worried about what he will do to me. You also get quite good at numbing out during abusive behaviour and also I forget the details which is how I cope. I have been to see my GP and am trying to arrange some counselling with someone who specialises in DV. I am desperate to get out but the part of me that thinks I love and need him is stopping me. You are helping so many people with your words- thank you again. X

    1. Hi Alice, thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry to hear about the abuse that you have been suffering. If your gut instincts are telling you that you are in danger then I urge you to get out. According to experts in this area I have been reading and listening to, the woman involved’s gut instincts of danger are one of the most accurate indicators that she is at risk of losing her life. I know how hard it is to leave though. I’ve written about this drug-like pull in more detail in the Daily Mail article I wrote http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4294790/Why-believe-women-addicted-abusive-men.html#readerCommentsCommand-message-field and in this post https://www.beingunbeatable.com/love-addiction/

      I couldn’t have done it without support, so encourage you to continue to seek help from DV experts and counsellors to help you break the addiction cycle that makes you keep going back. Also to help you with any self-esteem issues and to build it into a stronger, healthier sense of self-worth. This is crucial to setting strong boundaries and finding a healthier relationship. I wrote a little on that here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/self-esteem-matters/

      Stay strong and keep moving forward towards recovery. I wish you all the best and thanks again.

      1. My gut instinct is screaming at me. I went out for a day trip with my sister in May last year to a horse trials event. I had temporarily ended the relationship and he was stalking me but I felt safe for the day as I was not at home but walking round this lovely country estate in the sunshine watching horses doing cross country but as we were leaving there was a sign saying the dates for the event in May 2018. I glanced at the sign and from nowhere I had an awful premonition that i would not be alive in May 2018. I have never thought about anything like this before and it scared me so much. I guess it could have just been a thought as I was receiving lots of unsolicited text messages from him. He then went to jail for a violent offence against someone else and he was released yesterday. I am going to keep myself safe- I want to live a long and happy life. I have 2 children. I need to win this battle that I am having with myself. I hear you on the heroin thing. Thank you for this blog and for your reply to my original post. X

        1. That must have been terrifying! I hope he is no longer stalking you. If so, I would urge you to report it and try to take photo evidence of it. A friend of mine managed to get a restraining order against her ex for stalking her. Stay safe, put yourself first at all times and look after your precious children. Thanks again for your comments x

    2. Sorry, I realise I never responded to this. I hope you’re doing okay. I promise I’m not trying to do a sales job on you but I really do think my online video course will help you make sense of this all. My second course Start with Me: Survivor to Staying strong – is about why we find it hard to leave someone who hurts us and we know is no good for us. Why we still love them and feel so pulled back to them. Why the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is the person who hurts us. I will be launching this very soon. The first one Start with Me: Victim to Survivor is here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/start-victim-survivor/ which may also benefit you. If you’d like to join the waiting list then you will be alerted as to when the new one is launching and be able to find out more and if it’s right for you or not. Stay strong x

    3. You know, it’s so strange…. I am reading your response and yes, Vivian, I felt your description of my reality is chilling. But what is creepy is when I met this man, I called him Hyde. I had no idea why, it just came out of my mouth.

      I am still here in our apartment looking around at our life. I am miserable, puffy, sleeping way too much, and don’t have any energy, still crying all the time as our fights are almost daily. It has been so tough for me to realize that despite the wonderful memories, I never had a break from the eruptions. Even during those beautiful times I seemed to have forced myself to forget the other part of the cycle because it ALWAYS comes back. It’s so sad that a person so charismatic and special has so much darkness, and I was just always hoping that it would change. Now after four years, I am figuring out how to move on. Just reading your stories is enough to make me realize that this person will never be able to love me the way I deserve.

      1. You deserve better Laura. Being in love is not meant to equal being in pain. This is the hardest concept to get your head around, it was for me. But it’s important to see that they are the same person. Jekyll is Hyde and equally responsible for his behaviour and the pain he causes you. Otherwise, we spend our lives forgiving the bad and waiting and hoping for the good to come back. But the highs will get fewer and further between and the lows will get lower. Get out while you are strong enough. The longer you stay with a narcissist, the harder it is to leave. Have you read this post: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ It might help you as well. I’m here if you need support.

    4. You know, I’m here at this crossroads, as the police are beginning their investigation into my boyfriend strangling me. I love him and can’t figure out why. Why do I feel guilt and shame, why can’t I get any support from my family (the only people I feel comfortable sharing the embarrassing news with.)?
      I have been reading non stop since he was arrested, I can now more clearly see my issues described in these books, blogs, and articles.
      So, the question is or was for me, since I played my unhealthy part in the relationship, can or could we ever work?
      Well, first let me tell you that I felt my first feeling of anger when my mother texted that “he has to try to clear his name” as her response to my texting that he has a lawyer now, which in my mind kind of explained why he didn’t come home or call me, when I totally expected retribution for, and felt terror after calling the police; I had called them in a trance like state, after googling what to do about abuse, and simply followed the instructions.
      But you know, I finally stopped looking at this from current perspective. I thought to myself, why would she (my mother) say that (he has to clear his name), people should know that about him; women especially, his future girlfriends, you know!
      Then the best perceptive I had was when I thought of my daughter in my position. The same exact situation, and how I would feel and what I would do. That when I realized it!!! I would tell her to get out!!! Get away from him, never go back, he’s manipulating you into thinking that this might work if you just changed a little more for him, he doesn’t love you and never will!!! Get out!!!
      So, now I know what I must do, I have to do that for myself. My daughter needs to know that it’s possible if God forbid, she is ever in my situation, I will not allow myself to be my mother, I will be stronger, I will now begin to respect myself and expect a man’s respect in return, and if he doesn’t respect me, then be done with him. She doesn’t deserve it (or she wouldn’t)!!!
      I would say to her: The financial support he provides for you and your daughter isn’t worth it, he has already killed your spirit, don’t let him kill you and take away her mother!!! I know you want to die or feel like death might be so merciful right now, but get out, you can and will get your strength to live back, I know you will!!! You might even thrive again!!! 😀 Just keep going, keep trying to move on, and you will!

      1. I am so happy to hear this. Not what you have been through, of course, but for the strength and courage you have found. It’s only when we find that self love and know that we deserve better, that things change. You attract what you think you are worth. If you have low self-worth, you’ll attract a man who treats you as worthless. You don’t deserve this and I am so proud of you for knowing that you need to be an example for your daughter to follow too. This is the only way to break the cycle and not pass the negative patterns down to her, as they will have been passed down to you in some way. It is hard at first, but as you say, just keep going and never look back. Stay strong x

  2. Wow. This describes exactly how I feel. My abusive ex is going to jail for 6 months starting Monday for abusing me. I am proud of myself for finally standing up to him but a little bit of me still misses him. I know he never loved me so I have no idea why I miss him. =(

    1. Hi Mary Beth. You should be very proud of yourself. I know how much courage and strength that takes. I also know exactly why you miss him. It might be worth reading this post (which has a video in it as well) – https://www.beingunbeatable.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/. I promise I’m not trying to do a sales pitch on you.. but

      I also think it would be worth you considering taking my new online video course, which will be launching soon. I worry that, if you feel this way about your abusive ex, then you risk going into another abusive relationship. You need to break the cycle, which we tend to repeat with our next relationship. If you join the waiting list for my first course here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/start-victim-survivor/, then you will be alerted as to when the next one is coming out and can find out more about it. It’s called Survivor to Staying strong. It is designed especially for women like you who have recently left an abusive relationship. If not, then keep reading my posts and watching my videos as I think they will help you too. Stay strong x

  3. This is exactly me . I was with him 12 years , and the craziest part of all of those 12 years , I sat waiting on him to come to America from Australia . We had a whirlwind affair online for 12 years , and it was by far the worst abuse I could have put myself through . He lied about every single detail of his life , even his real name , if I had not seen him on cam each day/night I would have really believed he was not real at all . He love bombed for months , and after about a year , everything came to surface . I had been struggling already from almost 30 years of spousal about , and a childhood filled with abuse , in every way possible . I told myself at least there was no hitting me , or raping me , but the words , his heart hurt me worse than anyone ever hitting me . I have recently found out I am a victim of trauma bonding , most all my life and it is near impossible for me to let go of any relationship , whether personal or business that is not abusive in some form . I am in recovery programs to help with all my emotional issues , but I can’t stop my heart from loving the man I met in the beginning .

    1. So sorry to hear what you have been through. A childhood filled with abuse does lead one to replicate it, as a way to try to conquer it, in later life. Although negative it is what has become our normal. So when we meet another abusive person it feels familiar to us. It is not love, but control. The love you feel for the person you first met is the fantasy person they created to hook you in. It is not the real them. But it is such a powerful manipulation that it is what keeps us waiting and hoping they will change. The most important thing you can do is to take your focus off them and put it where it belongs – onto you. I am glad you are in a recovery programme and getting professional support. It is crucial to help break this bond and to start to help you to put your needs and wellbeing first. When you can find self love, then you will start to see that This is. It a healthy form of love. You deserve better. Keep going with that support and little by little you will get through this painful recovery and heal. It hurts, I know, but you have take. The hardest step, admitting you need that support. Stay strong. You will get there.

  4. I loved your article, I loved every word of it, it resonated with my experience at a very intimate level… and it also gave me hope, hope that things will and can get better for me as i struggle emotionally to cope with the love I still have towards the man who abused me. I was in an abusive relationship for a yr and 8 months. At first everything was a fairy tail, I felt like a princess and he was my Prince Charming, then the emotional abuse began, and quickly after we moved in together, the physical abuse began. I rationalized his behavior by saying “he’s drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s doing”. I even blamed it on myself, “I shouldn’t have gotten him that upset”. I worked so hard to make the relationship “better”, never realizing that I was molding myself to be “less difficult” in order to avoid fights and arguments. I was walking on eggshells around the man who was supposed to be my soulmate. It all finally came to an end after he choked me, and I decided to finally leave. I pressed charges and that gave me the strength to finally leave and walk away. It has been now a week and a half since I’m out of the relationship. My heart aches for him, I feel bad that I “ruined” his life by pressing charges, but I also know I did the right thing. I am aware I deserve better… but my heart still remembers the good times, the times I felt loved by him and sometimes I wish we can still fulfill all those dreams of having a life together. It is a work in progress… I feel relieved at times because I feel liberated, I can now be myself. I no longer live with constant anxiety, wondering if he is mad at me, or if something I did or said bothered him… it feels good to finally work on me, on taking care of myself, after spending so much time taking care of him… thank you for writing your story and sharing it with us… you’re giving me hope… especially on a night like today, where I feel my heart breaking because I miss him so much…

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. This is why I am doing what I am writing this blog. I am so happy to hear you’ve found the strength to leave. This will be the hardest time though. Leaving and withdrawing from a relationship like this was one of the toughest things I ever went through. It is like withdrawing from a chemical addiction and the pull back to that drug – how they can instantly make you feel good again – will be strong. Please remember when you feel weak and his manipulative tactics are so powerful you want to go back, if your partner has strangled you in the past, the odds of them killing you goes up to 750%! No love is worth dying for. You do deserve better. Stay strong, keep watching my videos and reading my posts. If you find you are still struggling I have an online video course that is designed to help you get over an abusive relationship, even when you still love them and feel that intense pull back to them. How to trust again and, if and when you’re ready, start dating again. If you’d like me to send you more information on it, let me know. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, away from being a victim and towards being a survivor. You can do this. I’ve got your back too. Let’s all become unbeatable together!

    2. Elizabeth, the same has just happened to me. I was married 10 years. And now I am pressing charges and it is very hard. I almost feel a painful guilt as I was supposed to rescue him. I hope we together can advocate and help others. I feel remarkable for leaving but these emotions are so hard!

      1. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through this too Anna. I know that feeling of guilt and the need to rescue. Our need to rescue someone needy is our unconscious way of denying we are the ones who need saving. When we leave them and no longer have them to focus on, the emotions we have suppressed for so long rise to the surface. It is very painful. They are a mix of guilt, sorrow for what we’ve lost, anger, fear of the future, you name it. Plus, we have to face ourselves and understand why and how we came to be in that relationship if we are to heal. It is tough. I am so glad you are both part of the Unbeatable community now, as I agree Anna, let’s all get and stay strong together!

  5. Thank you so much for sharing. It was as if I am reading my own life and experience. What’s amazing is knowing these men exist and it’s a habitual pattern. What you wrote was my life. I recently left, it has been a month and I am having those hard emotions hitting me, but I am fighting through them – knowing just that – it isn’t love! Thanks for sharing!

    1. Sadly there are way too many of us who share the same experience. The more I connect with others, the more I realise how many are like this and how many suffer in relationships with them. So glad to hear you are fighting through the painful withdrawal and knowing it’s control, not love. Keep going. You will get there.

  6. Thank you so much for this. After just a few days of being away from my abuser (who is currently in jail for aggravated assault against me), the feelings of guilt, need, loneliness, etc. are all closing in on me. It feels as though I cannot live without him. Despite only being together for 6 months, it was a whirlwind of happiness and a pit of hell all in this short time frame. He was the smooth, charming, sly, “loving” gentleman. He understood me. He took my child in as his own. He wanted what I wanted. He was the handyman, chauffeur, and in a way a servant attending to my needs and wants. Making sure I ate well, drawing hot baths, bringing me breakfast or lunch to work, spending time with my son and I. Making sure he became my family when my biological family was not supportive. I came to rely on him. Stages 1 and 2 from the book of sociopathy. Classic. At first I was shocked when he became violent. I was in his hometown, 500 miles away from my home. It was over another woman that he refused to stop seeing. Somehow, it became my fault. The other times, random excuses. He’s a substance user so the rages became more intense as he became bolder, angrier, and resentful. Alcohol, pills, and marijuana he said caused this. His rationale also included I was getting in the way. Or I was seeing someone else. Or I wasn’t speaking enough. Or I talked too much. I didn’t answer the phone on the first ring. I didn’t stand on my head and juggle watermelons. The last is a joke but his excuses became that ridiculous. Last stage of sociopathy. Interestingly, he included not remembering details the next day after the abuse. Sometimes shortly after the abuse. Working in the field as a psychologist, I knew each and every one of these signs. I saw them coming. But the abuse is suffered as a child, being a single parent, opening up about my longing for love…he knew my weaknesses. He was an expert manipulator and I fell hard. Unfortunately it was not me who called authorities…it was my mother who lives next door. After 3 hours of torture (e.g., hitting, slapping, choking, wrestling, verbal bullying), I was able to get away. It was over from there. I’m so angry that she took him away from me. However, I know this was for the best or else he could have (and came close) killed me…in the same house as my sleeping toddler. Unfortunately, I have spoken with him by phone and even tried to visit him in jail. Thoughts of paying his release bond have even crossed my mind. Anything to get the Dr. Jekyll back. The crux is Mr. Hyde will also accompany him. As a mental health professional, I know who he is, the pattern he has, likely consequences, reoffending rates, recovery process for the victim, legal process and all. As a woman who has been victimized and assaulted by a sociopath, all of my training is out of the window and the reward system in my brain is telling my emotional self to wait it out, help him, love him more, continue to be there for him, keep him around if the legal system doesn’t hold him, believe in him. This is the struggle. It is real. Drawing on my coping skills and the love for my child are all I have right now. It devastates me to see this with patients and even more so when now not only can I empathize with them, I am them. Again, thank you all so much for sharing your stories, knowledge, and providing support.

    1. I am so sorry to hear your story. What an awful time you’ve had. You are lucky to be alive as well and I am so glad that you are away from him. Leaving is one of the hardest things I have ever done as it is an addiction we have to them. It is like withdrawing from a drug. We need them to make us feel good about ourselves again, even if we know they abuse us. But, no love is worth dying for. I would urge you to get as much support as you can get. If he has addictions then I would consider joining the support groups Al-anon or Nar-anon (for wives, family and friends or alcoholics/drug addicts). They were a lifeline for me. Anonymous and free. And yes, remember your child in this. You don’t want to pass this cycle abuse down to them. You can break it. I did. It was like walking through the darkest of tunnels and I wanted to run back to him many, many times. The pull back is so strong. But if you get the right support and keep putting one foot in front of the other you can get there. The most important thing now is to work on you. Try to understand why you are low in self-esteem (usually comes from our emotional needs not being met as children), so you can address the negative patterns that we keep repeating until we deal with them. Get help and support to build your self-esteem, so you are better able to say ‘no, this is not good enough for me, I deserve better’. Write down all the things he’s done to you, all the reasons you left. Put it up on your fridge if you have to, so you can read it when you feel weak. Please remember, that the odds of being killed by your partner increase by 750% if they have strangled you in the past. You would be in danger of losing your life if you went back to him. Your child needs its mother and you both deserve better than this. Have you read this post? It might help: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ Please try to stay strong. You can also join my Unbeatable Facebook Group if you want support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/

  7. I need help, I was in a loving marriage a man who adores me still does! But 2 years ago my head was turned by a man who was everything my husband was not, strong, manly, confident to me gorgeous he made me feel alive. He came out of prison for which he had been in for a DV crime, false imprisonment of his ex, had history of drugs and other violent offences against men, never laid hands on a woman, did alarm bells ring, no. I was hooked we like all the same things he makes me laugh is protective. My kids ended up on child protection he wasn’t allowed near them because they said the risk he posed to me was indirect risk to the children. I stuck to the rules but continued to see him I love him. So what’s wrong this, he’s so jealous, has smashed a phone makes me show him my call logs, messages, he was back using heroin and I didn’t know he was always popping off for hours I was at bottom of his priority but he would demand money and call me names threaten to leave me if I didn’t give it. One night he left me whilst we were out with a group of his friends at 5am he called wanting picking up he was absolutely smashed, I went crazy st him in the hotel room and he pushed me over and beat me with a pillow, but i had started it. Even then I didn’t leave him he was on licence I didn’t want him recalled to jail. He calls me names accuses me of cheating says he’s going to meet me then let’s me down saying if I wanna see him I gotta go there. I feel totally lost. I drove there last week and we were in my car I was driving him home and he didn’t want me to leave do he pulled the handbrake l nearly crashed he was then shouting at me to tell him the truth threatening to smash up the car, said u tell or u won’t get out the lane alive. I was distraught but then he switched back to mr loving and protective didn’t want me crying. Always demands sex even if I don’t want and says he has needs. I hate him but I love him so much I was a strong woman I had everything good job friends social life it’s all gone. I keep saying fuck him he doesn’t love me how can he but the knots in my stomach the pull to call him I miss him I miss my man! The thought of him with someone makes me sick but I can’t stsnd this to top it off the man I left for him my husband still adores me and is there for me and kids and yeah that is real love.
    What can I do how do I break this feeling the need to see him even though I get anxious st seeing him. Everyone around me says told u so they don’t get it I’m lost

    1. Hi Sandy. I know it feels like love, but this is an addiction to a dangerous man. You need to get out and stay out of this relationship or you could end up being seriously hurt or even killed. You are not to blame for any abuse, emotional or physical, whether you started an argument or not.

      This cycle of abuse will only get worse, it will escalate and you risk losing your life. He is no good for your children either. The pull towards him is because you are addicted to him, when you withdraw from him it feels painful and hard as it is like withdrawing from a drug. I urge you to seek help and support. You can’t do this alone. I’ve listed free helplines here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/

      Please seek help and get out. No love is worth dying for.

  8. I’m currently trying to get over an abusive man I’ve dated for close to 3 years. He didn’t like labels so I can’t even claim him as my ex “boyfriend” but he expected me to act like his “wife”. When he was nice, he was wonderful, but when he was mean it was horrible. A month ago, he was drunk and put me in the hospital with broken bones that I’m still recovering from. He claimed he blacked out. He was abusive in the past and it only got worse. He would do bad things to me and when I stood up for myself, I’d catch hell. He would ignore me for days or acted mean toward me until I ended up apologizing even though I did nothing wrong. He always flipped it and somehow made everything my fault and him the victim. But I just couldn’t go with out him so I would do whatever it took to make things right between us. And that only made my self esteem even lower and him more disrespectful. I still feel like I love him but lately I’ve been asking myself how can I love someone who treats me so poorly. I’ve been praying to God for strength and I’m glad I ran across this article because I know that childhood issues are the root cause of my low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. And I’m ready to get over those issues in order to be in a healthy, loving, and “real” relationship in the future. I’m taking it one day at a time. To those that are going through this please be encouraged. Get out and NEVER go back.

    1. Hi Kelly. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I am so glad you have got out as you do deserve better than that. The most important thing is to find self-love as it all starts from there. If we don’t have self-worth we end up with those who treat us as worthless. Take one day at a time and keep walking away from this abuse. Look after yourself.

  9. Wow, every word was just true. Although he has never hit me. He has crushed a granola bar in my hand out of rage because I was eating while we were in an argument. he has picked up from behind and carried me inside his house when I just wanted to leave. but he’s not violent he says. he calls me a baby for thinking that is abuse. I often left him a lot in the 2 years we have been “together”. Stupid mistake for it is always thrown in my face and called a bitch and a whore, but he doesn’t mean it after it happens. but the next day I pretty much deserved it because of my actions. I slept with people while we were broken up months ago, and I am a whore he says. It has resorted to me feeing crazy and like I am the abuser, every fight we have all I can say is fuck you. I can’t handle it anymore but I can’t leave because I will miss him and the cycle will start again. When we are good it is intoxicating I love him so much. But then I remember him swerving and punching his steering wheel and slamming on his brakes, and I want to leave again and I tell him that, and what a mistake, he says, how could he be abusive when I don’t even give him a chance, how could he be the one causing the problems when I’m the one who wants to leave every day. I feel like I’m in a dark hole. I cheat on him to feel free, and that makes me think maybe I am the problem. I dont know what to do, I could see him hitting me, and sometimes in the back of my head I wish he would so I had a legitimate reason to leave that he couldn’t turn around and make me the bad one. Im only 18, my first year of college, he’s 20 lives in his grandmas basement, throws it in my face how much he does for me, I don’t see anything he does for me. But still I cannot leave. Every time we fight I just want to die, it would be easier than the consequences of leaving him. Im so lost.

    1. Hi Kiarra, sometimes it’s hard to realise we are in abusive relationships, when it is emotional abuse and not physical. This is an abusive relationship and I would urge you to see help and support to get out. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I was your age when I was going through what you are now. I know how tough it is to leave. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the harder it is to walk away. But you deserve better. You feel the way you do as we develop an addiction for these types of men, so that when you leave them it hurts so badly you want to go back. The only person who can make us feel good about ourselves again is the same one who is hurting us. It is known as codependency. Please seek help to break this cycle of abuse, as it will only get worse. Your self-esteem will be chipped away until you have little left and find it impossible to leave. There are men out there who will love you in a healthy way, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t. I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/

    2. If he did hit you, he would make it your fault. The main reason why people are abusive is because they cannot or refuse to see past their own thinking and feelings. They rationalize on anger, and no matter where that anger and resentment comes from, they will blame anyone who lets them. If you want to help them and yourself, leave. Things only escalate after time, even though it doesn’t seem that way because it is a roller coaster of good and bad. Someone WILL love you, and you DO NOT have to pay for HIS problems. I believe everyone has the power to change, but we cannot change them. By having high standards of how we should be treated, we help change those people for the better because if they CHOOSE to see it, they understand how alone they will be if they do not change, because no one wants to claim their emotional baggage blame and give them a sucker and a bandaid and coddle their immature, reckless, inconsiderate, thoughtless, mean, and selfish behavior. They have no right to inflict their own pain on anyone else. Leave this guy, I promise you won’t be alone forever. Life is more than just about sex and passion, but with the right people both those things will come around.

      1. I agree. We can’t change them, we can only change us. They either change with us or we leave and find someone who treats us the way we deserve to be treated.

  10. I thought I was all alone loving someone who tried to kill me. I’m glad I came across this post in my desperate search for someone to know, understand and help me stop this. My husband shot me almost 2 yrs ago. Once in the face which went through my jaw and out my neck and once in the back shoulder that broke my clavicle coming out the front. I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter at the time. This was the first time he was ever abusive. We rarely argued in a 3 year relationship but had only been married 8 months. But due to some problems from my ex and threats to take my children if I did not “get rid” of my husband I asked him to move out with his kids for a while till we got everything sorted out. He became very angry and showed a dude I’d never seen before and demanded a divorce. So I filed for divorce and the very next morning he shot me. I nearly died. But as I laid in the hospital on a ventilator, mouth wired shut, and in more pain than I ever thought possible I missed him. He had been good to me. He seemed to love me more than anything. Everyone was in disbelief that he could do this. Everyday I wanted him there to help me. He was bonded out of jail and till this day has not had a trial. After having our baby the want to talk to him and just ask him why got stronger. When I thought he was for sure going back to jail I messaged him. He had a 250k bond over his head yet he responded. I asked him everything. He said he was sorry and he didn’t mean for it to happen. That he didn’t know the gun was loaded. I wanted to believe it but I didn’t. I still wanted to see him. And in secret I did. We have seen each other and I’ve stayed with him many times. Its as if it never happened and I cannot put the person who shot me with him. I feel like I need him. I want him to see the pain I am in and take care of me.like he used to. I want him to give our daughter everything like we had planned. I love to watch him with her. She is happy with him. I am happy with him. When I’m away from him I feel lost. Nothing can give me the “high” that he does. I truly believe I’m addicted to him. My pain levels go up, my stress levels rise, my.entire body screams for him. I do not know what to do. I cannot tell anyone around me. I never take my other children near him but I’m still afraid my ex would take them from me if he ever found out. I have nobody else to take care of me. I do not know how to live without him.

    1. Hi Anna Lewis, I am glad you found me. This is an addiction, it’s not love. This man has tried to kill you. Shooting you in the head is a very clear sign of his intention, his saying he didn’t think it was loaded is irrelevant and I don’t believe it. You are lucky to be alive. I would urge you to seek professional help and support immediately. Please get away from this man. 2-3 women are killed every week and given that he has already been close to killing you, next time – and there will be a next time – you may end up as one of them. You can’t do this alone. It is tough breaking this addiction and cycle of abuse, but you must. If not for you, then for your daughter. If you don’t break this cycle, apart from the fact she may end up without a mother, she too will grow up to repeat the pattern, most likely attracted to violent men. I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines. Please find the strength and courage to take that first step and call. No love is worth dying for. https://www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/

  11. I’m sitting here just really realizing from what I read from the post that I am not loved by the guy who I love most in the world. Who I love even more than I love myself . I feel pitty no longer for him but for myself . Because I believed all his lies and all his passionate I love yous. And thought If I did love him just a little more he would be happy . But he didn’t even love himself . How could he ever love me . He couldn’t and he didn’t. And it hurts to even type that right now that he doesn’t truly love me after everything I have given up and done for him. Guys like him I stayed away from for so long . How did I become so blinded. It hurts so so bad. But has made me strong . I feel strong knowing I took the first step and that’s leaving him alone. Day by day it’s like a real addiction for me . I have to take it day by day . I hope I will it ever put me or my kids through this horrible cycle I went through. I was blind but now I see . Im free !!! I’m fucking free from this cycle of torment and love and hate. No more !! No more !!! . I love my kids more and they’re so important to me and no other love is more important to me at this moment than they’re love . And I feel horrible I put him first before them . I should of left his ass a long time ago. Better later than never

    1. Hi Alexandria, you’ve taken the most important step – admitting that this is not good enough for you and you deserve better. Now, put yourself, your needs and your children’s first. Build your self-esteem, so you can learn to set healthier boundaries and say no, it’s not good enough to any abusive behaviour. Put one foot in front of the other towards being a Survivor and away from being a Victim. Stay strong x

  12. I am currently in the steps of leaving my husband. It took me too long to acknowledge him as abusive. I, over time, got so confused about why I was even unhappy sometimes. It is hard, because I thought abusive people were like sociopathic or something. This relationship taught me that abusive people really are like any of us, but how they choose to see the world and what they do with their pain and suffering hurts other people, not just themselves. I have hope one day my husband can change, because he does have moments of clarity, but I also realize it won’t be with me. I had to acknowledge that by returning to him, no matter how good the good times were or that he was the father of my child, was enabling him, and in his mind confirming his feelings. Our feelings aren’t wrong, what we do with them and what thoughts we put to them can be. I pray everyday to God for him this week, because so often he has spent looking for enlightenment from his soul. I want happiness for him, I am empathetic and I cannot help this, and I have decided it is okay to love people even abusers, but first I must love myself. Reading posts like this helps me so much, because I am devastated to lose the man I love, even though it means losing the man I hate. I let myself feel the pain, and I listened to the people who love me and stopped protecting him. He had not put his hands on me in 10 months, but I made a promise to myself if he did it again, I would really leave that time. I would take action. I did. I called the cops, I pressed charges, and I got an order of protection for myself and my daughter. I will be trying to get a divorce, as well. I did not try to appeal to him this time when we had another argument that led him calling me names and talking down to me. I stayed sad, I kept my distance, I said I wanted s marriage counselor now or I wanted out. I had to keep pushing the counselor because I said I would not talk about our issues without a professional present, and it always made him mad. I want to believe he loves me, because I love him, but I guess I don’t need him to. I can’t still love him, but I have to love him differently. He cannot be my friend or my lover, but I can care for him and hope he finds the man in his heart he’s been looking for and let’s vulnerability take over. It was so hard, I was so scared and turned to his mother for help because I didn’t want to leave him or have people look at him bad, but she only victim blamed me. I will not let her see my daughter either without me or my mother present. I do not know how to cope with this, though. I do not Think bad about myself, and I do not lack self confidence, and I don’t know how I ended up here. I never want to be alone, and I think this is my problem. I wanted a family and a home so bad, and I am so understanding because I had insecurities in the past that I was able to work through I didn’t notice things that were red flags, like him going through all my emails and pictures and texts after two months of us dating. He was jealous of my ex and always questioning me about my past. I did not feel like he took the time to learn me for who I was, and I always felt like I was still dealing with his emotional baggage from previous relationships. Things suddenly were great later on, I had no fears, none! I was so happy with him, and I felt free. It all changed when I became pregnant. Everything went down hill. He would get so angry and hurt me, bashing my head into the floors and against things, choking me my putting me in head locks, gave me a black eye from smashing my head on the counter. When I tried to walk away from his fights he would block me in, steal my phone if I tried to call for help, and threatens to kill me after my baby was born and I threatened to leave. I always excused him thinking his past trauma of losing his father and sister triggered ptsd and losing people, because many friends of his had died, too. He had so many awful things, and I felt so bad for him, that even though I was always stern and always stood up to him, I always secretly made excuses for him, too. He is twice my size and after the third fight I tried fighting back and it made it worse, but I was so mad at him. He felt so sorry for himself, and so angry at me. He was only truly sorry the first time it happened. He always ended up sobbing, and I never even cared. I always told him you can’t be awful to someone and then expect them to want to comfort you. It makes me so.mad thinking about it now, but still. I love him, it is hard. It would take a miracle for me to tale.him back after I took this big step. He couldn’t charm his way back in, a man has to work for my affections now because I give everything I can even if it isn’t a lot. This relationship has humbled me so much, and I am trying to find the silver lining. I am so sad and depressed. Is it silly to think he did love me and he does mean those things, even though I know it doesn’t excuse anything? It’s good I’m leaving, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I wonder when it will start feeling better, and I wonder when one day I can finally be in love and finally have a place to call home. I’ve been though a lot in my life, but I chose to be better and hold myself accountable no matter what my excuses were. He didn’t. Now I am trying to pick.up the mess he made. I’m rambling, but in times like these I just need to talk. I have to remind myself over and over again why I’m doing this. It is crazy, how can we stay with our abusers? How can we leave them? They make sure either way you are miserable. That s probably why they hate being alone, and don’t even know it. My husband knew and acknowledged a lot of his problems, and that will be his saving grace if he lets it. I hope he finds love for himself and for others, and I hope one day he can have a relationship with my daughter. I am still second guessing my decisions, as it is easier to just walk away. I keep reminding myself though, I’m honoring him and the next woman he is with by making him face the consequences and taking back co trol over my own life and safety right now. If he will ever get better and change, it has to be now. Otherwise it could be worse the next woman he is with, and he could do worse things to her and I can’t rake that chance. I don’t want anyone else in this situation, and I also don’t want him to do anything else he will have to live with.

    1. Hi Brittany, you are not rambling. You are finally seeing the relationship for what it is. An abusive one. The blinkers have come off and you now realise you and your daughter deserve better. Well done to you. That is one of the hardest steps to take. Denial is a powerful thing. Staying is enabling him to avoid taking accountability for his actions. It also put you and your daughter at great risk. It is painful when we leave, but as you said, you need to work through that pain and those emotions to heal. Suppressing them, or going back to him to deny them again, will only prolong the pain or defer it to a later date. Get help and support if you need it to stay strong. But keep putting one foot in front of the other, away from this abuse. You and your daughter are worth more than that. Stay strong.

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